The Search for Something More
by southernbangel
Summary: AU set in early S1. To the outside world, they are nothing more than tutor and student. Behind closed doors, it is a different story.
1. Chapter 1

"**The Search for Something More**

**Summary:** AU set during S1. Nathan and Haley never publicly dated; however, behind closed doors, it's a different story. What happens when both confront their changing feelings but are too afraid to say anything?

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

**Warnings:** Spoilers through S1. Sexual language and situations in future chapters.

**Author's Notes:** Thanks to J for the beta. All mistakes are mine.

* * *

She's not sure what they are exactly. They're not dating, not really, nor are they just friends. Their relationship seems to exist in a strange type of limbo, and it's all Haley can do not to ask Nathan to clarify what, if anything, they are. She doesn't want to push—he has enough of that dealing with his father, and she certainly doesn't want to be one of those girls that chase after him, desperate for any bit of attention. She has more self-respect than that, although some nights she wonders how true that is.

They flirt, they kiss, they do. . . other things, but beneath it all, there is the unspoken truth that no one else can ever know, _especially_ Lucas. In public they are tutor and student, and slowly becoming semi-friends, a fact which she knows irritates Lucas to no end. In private they are something indefinable, and even Haley with her limited experience in dating knows that what they're doing can't be brushed off as nothing serious, as Nathan sometimes does.

It kills a tiny piece of her heart each time he tells her "it's just fun" or "we're just messing around," even though she knows he's lying. She hasn't known Nathan for very long, but in that short amount of time she's learned the signs that tell her he's lying—the way his gaze rests just above her head so as not to meet her eyes, the restless movements of his hands as if he doesn't know what to do with them, the nervous jiggle of his leg. It is a small comfort that those small movements give him away, and although she wants to confront him about it, she can't because she's just as guilty. She lies to Lucas every time he asks her what's going on with Nathan ("Nothing, Luke. I'm just tutoring him, that's all."), she lies to Peyton ("I'm merely tutoring him so he can stay on the team."), she lies to her parents ("I had to stay late at school to help a student with his assignments. Sorry I didn't call.").

More importantly, she lies to herself. When she pretends that Nathan basically ignoring her in the halls doesn't hurt, she lies. When she rationalizes the way her breathing becomes heavy and her skins flushes when he glances at her as an after-effect of P.E., she lies. When she tells herself that she's not falling for him, she lies.

She understands that they're playing a dangerous game—if word gets out, Lucas will never speak to her again, and she's not positive Nathan wouldn't do the same—but she can't help it. She is inexplicably drawn to Nathan Scott, and even though every instinct is screaming that this, whatever _this_ is, isn't worth it, her heart is telling her that it is, that it could be something amazing if they just let it.

She's not sure what they are, but Haley James knows this: her relationship with Nathan is screwed up, it will more than likely blow up in her face, but it is quickly becoming everything to her and she hates herself for that.

* * *

"How about this: you finish up my trig homework for me, and I'll teach you how to make a free throw so you won't fail gym."

Haley shakes her head and grins at the puppy dog eyes Nathan is using to try to convince her that doing his homework for him would actually be more helpful than Nathan doing it himself. It is their nearly daily routine during tutoring: Nathan begs and pleads for Haley to do his work, Haley refuses, he complains about said refusal but eventually complies, muttering all the while that Whitey has nothing on Haley when it comes to getting him to follow orders.

"How about you do your own homework _and_ teach me how to make a touchdown since you already promised you'd do that anyway," Haley says as she motions towards his open math book. "Nathan, you're almost finished, and you know how to do these problems. They're just like the ones we went over last week."

Nathan scowls at the school book, and Haley feels her heart clench at the sight. Even when he's irritated, he's still so handsome. Ever since they started whatever it is they're doing, she's finding it more and more difficult every day not to tell him that she's falling for him, at least she thinks she is, and to ask if he feels the same. That's not part of the game, however. She knows the rules as well as he does, even if they are hard to follow.

She twists her hands together underneath the table to stave off the urge to run her fingers through his hair. They're in the Tutoring Center and for now, they need to maintain the outward appearance that she is merely tutoring Nathan in order to keep him on the basketball team, nothing more. Their fellow students can't know that their roles are reversed at night when he sneaks into her room, or she steals away for a few hours and meets him at his house. She plays with fire each night she meets him, and although she knows she'll be burned sooner or later, she is unwilling to stop.

Her lips still tingle from the passionate kiss they shared during 4th period when Nathan pulled her into an empty classroom, and when Nathan meets her gaze, his blue eyes turning darker as he holds her stare, she knows he's remembering the same. Moments like this, when they are so focused on one another that everything else falls away, are everything to Haley, but the peace is disturbed when Steven Handler stumbles into the filing cabinets.

Nathan breaks the stare, his eyes darting around the room to make sure no one noticed before dropping guiltily back to his notebook, and Haley wants to scream. It's moments like _this_ that break her heart and leave her questioning her decision to ever engage in anything more than tutoring with Nathan Scott.

"It's a free throw, Hales," he mutters as he picks up his pencil and resumes working on his homework. "Not a touchdown. I've told you that a hundred times."

His voice is missing the usual playful note it takes on when they talk about Haley's lack of knowledge concerning basketball, and the flat, almost annoyed tone leaves Haley blinking back tears. She's used to this easy change in Nathan's demeanor, the casual dismissal he gives when they are once again reminded that regardless of what goes on behind closed doors, to the outside world they are nothing more than a dedicated tutor and her semi-reluctant student, but it doesn't make it any easier.

"Yeah, okay," she whispers as she turns back to her own homework. Her voice catches, and as Nathan stiffens slightly, his fingers clenched tightly around his pencil, she knows he heard it.

Her first instinct is to apologize, to reassure him that she understands why he does things like that, why things are the way that they are, but she doesn't. She _can't_, not when her own emotions are so close to the surface. She's so tired of fighting her feelings, of hiding behind closed doors. She understands they keep everything hidden, why Nathan won't acknowledge her in the halls outside of a casual "hey," why she can't meet his heated gaze during the classes they share, why her heart breaks a little when he flirts with Theresa, why she can't talk to her best friend about this. The pain worsens with each hit, and yet she keeps coming back for more.

She hates herself for that, but in the end, she'd rather have this mockery of a relationship than nothing at all with Nathan. She wants something more from him, from both of them, but she doesn't press him on it. She's afraid he'll confirm her fear that she's read him wrong and this is just something fun for him, but more importantly, she's afraid of what will happen if he wants the same thing. Its one thing to fool around with Nathan in secret where no one knows anything about them; it's quite another to make their relationship public for their entire world to see. She wants something more, yes, but she's not sure she's ready for the reality of that something more.

Her heart tells her one thing, her head another, and she has never been more confused.

"Hales," he says softly, quietly, and she closes her eyes at the plea in his voice. She can't do this now, she _won't_ do this now.

"Don't, Nathan," she responds, shaking her head and refusing to open her eyes. She doesn't care if she's acting childish, she just can't deal with another excuse.

"But I—"

"No, Nathan, not right now." She finally opens her eyes to find him studying her, unnamed emotions dancing in his eyes, and for a moment, her demeanor softens. Then he reaches across the table for her hand but pauses as he seems to remember where they are. Her heart breaks at his hesitation, and she quickly gathers her books together. She has to get out of here, she can't be around him for another moment, not right now.

"Hales, where are you going? We still have to go over my Fren—"

She shakes her head, willing herself not to cry. "I've gotta go, Nathan. I ca—I just remembered I have a shift at the café. Can't be late."

"But you don't work on Tuesdays."

She forces a smile, though she knows it is shaky. His scowl tells her he knows she's lying. "Last minute thing. We'll. . . why don't we meet early tomorrow morning?"

"Alright. Are you sure? I could come over to your house after your shift."

He doesn't mean for tutoring. Well, at least her version of tutoring, but she needs a break. As she stands up, adjusting the strap of her bag over her chest, she says, "Not tonight. We'll meet tomorrow morning, okay?"

Before he can argue, she's off like a shot, ducking into an empty room down the hall to compose herself. After a few minutes she heads for her house, making sure to take the long way home in order to avoid any chance of running into Nathan.

She's not sure what they are doing, but she's sure of one thing: falling for Nathan was never in the plan.

* * *

He's not sure what just happened. One minute Haley's almost crying and he moves to reassure her; the next, she's running out of the Tutoring Center with the feeble excuse of working at the café. He knows she's lying because he knows her schedule, and she never works on Tuesdays. He doesn't think about the fact that he has memorized Haley's schedule or the uncomfortable, lonely feeling that sweeps over him as she leaves.

Yet another thing he suppresses about his changing feelings toward his tutor. If there is one thing Nathan Scott is master of, aside from basketball, it is suppression. Growing up as the preferred son of Dan Scott, he is used to consciously ignoring certain thoughts and feelings as a way to make it through the day, and with Haley, it's no different.

No, there is a world of difference, he tells himself, because while he steadfastly ignores, or tries to ignore, his dad's words of "encouragement" as a way to get back at Dan, he doesn't think about his feelings towards Haley because he's trying to protect himself.

He knows he's a screw-up, his train wreck of a relationship with Peyton bore witness to that fact, and he doesn't want to hurt Haley. Truth be told, he's terrified that he still will, or that he is currently, but as they continue to hide their relationship, he can convince himself that he's not, that they're both playing the game exactly the way they want. When he avoids her in the hall so he doesn't walk up to her and kiss her in front of the entire school, he's sticking by the rules they established when this first started. When he flirts with Theresa because some punk is hitting on Haley, he's protecting himself from. . . Well, he's not sure from what exactly, but he knows whatever _it_ is, he's afraid of it.

Nathan Scott doesn't do emotions. They make one weak, cloud one's judgment, according to his dad. He doesn't listen to his dad much anymore, but when it comes to Haley James, he knows Dan is right.

And it thrills him and terrifies him in equal measures. He's falling for Haley, and he doesn't know what to do about it.

_To be continued. . . _


	2. Chapter 2

**See Chapter 1 for summary and disclaimer.**

**Author's Notes:** Thanks to J for the beta. All mistakes are mine. Thank you to everyone for the kind reviews for chapter 1. I really appreciate all of the support and encouragement. I hope you enjoy this next chapter.

* * *

_Six weeks earlier…_

"I'll give him five more minutes and then I'm gone. I can't _believe_ I thought he'd actually show up," Haley mutters to herself as she flips through her Chemistry book, checking her watch every minute or so. "_'Yeah, I'll take this seriously.'_ Sure, when pigs fly."

"Talking to yourself again?" A familiar voice startles her and she spins around to find Nathan behind her, his ever present smirk firmly in place. His blue eyes sparkle with amusement and when she meets his gaze, Haley is lost.

Then he opens his mouth for another asinine remark, and she scowls at him, not in the mood for teasing. Not when he's already 15 minutes late, not when she doesn't trust that this whole tutoring situation isn't some twisted game on Nathan's part, and certainly not when she's distracted by his good looks.

_Momentarily distracted. Just a fluke_, she tells herself as she shakes her head, motioning for Nathan to sit. _He's still a jackass. Remember what he's done to Lucas._ However, the more they meet, the harder it is to remember.

Nathan looks around, the quiet stillness of the docks broken by the gentle lapping of the river along its shores; aside from an elderly man walking yards away they are alone. Haley studies him, the early morning sun bathing his face, giving him an innocent glow. For a moment, she can forget about everything: that she's betraying her best friend by helping this boy, no matter her condition that Nathan ceases the torment; that for all of his bluster and cockiness, she is. . . intrigued by Nathan. For a moment, she is loathe to disturb the peace surrounding them, sending them crashing back into reality.

For a moment she can just. . . be.

She doesn't allow herself to think about why she's intrigued by Nathan. This is only their third tutoring session, and each time they finish, she swears it's the last time, that she won't put up with his jerky attitude again. Then he smiles at her, a genuine smile that tugs at her heart, or he brushes his hand against her arm, goosebumps rising at his soft touch, and her resolve crumbles. He's different with her during these sessions, more open and vulnerable than she's ever seen him be, but in the blink of an eye, he can turn back into the arrogant jackass persona he's perfected over the years. It frustrates Haley that he can switch so suddenly, throwing her already confused mind into further turmoil. Just when she thinks they are on their way to becoming friends, or at least not enemies, he does or says something and she feels like the rug is yanked out from underneath her.

But more than the frustration, there is sadness. For her, for them, but most importantly, for him, that he feels he has to be the jerk, the selfish bastard so many accuse him of being, correctly in several cases. From their few tutoring sessions Haley already knows that he is so much more than that, so much more than the weak, disappointing son his father tells him he is. Growing up as Lucas' best friend, there was never any consideration for Nathan's feelings in the Scott Son #1 v. Scott Son #2 battle. Lucas and Karen were the ones who were on the losing end, who had their lives forever altered by Dan Scott, but the more Haley learns about Nathan, the more she wonders if he is the true victim.

She'd never tell him that, though, because she's learned that although Nathan may open up to her about his father, Dan is still a sensitive issue for him. She doesn't even try to mention Lucas.

"—Haley? Hey, Hales. Are you even listening to me?"

For the second time this morning his voice interrupts her thoughts but all she can focus on is the way he called her "Hales." It's not the first time anyone has called her that, Lucas uses it all the time, but it is the first time Nathan has said it. She thinks it rolls off his tongue so easily, like he's always called her that, and her heart beats triple time at how natural it seems.

_Except that it's not natural. It's tutoring, that's all_, she reminds herself as she struggles to focus on what Nathan is saying. Determined to maintain a strictly professional relationship with him, no matter what, she shakes off her wandering thoughts and brusquely answers.

"Look, let's just get started so we can get this over with, okay?"

So focused is she on maintaining her distance from Nathan, she turns her attention to their books and misses the brief expression of hurt on his face. When he doesn't make a move she glances up, almost shocked by what she sees. His face is neutral, almost bored, but his eyes are troubled, anger flashing in their blue depths.

"Get this over with, huh? Didn't realize this was such a painful experience for you," he sneers, his voice diamond hard but unable to mask the hurt underneath.

She gasps slightly, surprised by the emotion in his voice. She didn't think he cared, not really, so to see him now, apparently pained by her dismissal, she reconsiders everything she knew about Nathan Scott.

"What? No, Nathan, that's. . . that's not what I meant," she tells him, her hands fluttering like nervous birds in her lap. Her first instinct—and she doesn't stop to think about what it means that it is her initial reaction—is to cover his hands with her own, to reassure him how much she didn't mean it.

She keeps her hands in her lap.

"Sure, whatever." He shrugs off her feeble attempt at an explanation, and Haley is surprised at how much that hurts. It's more than just being misunderstood; it's that she clearly hurt him and more importantly, she doesn't want to. She's not sure what is going on between them, she's not even sure she _wants_ to know, but she doesn't like the sharp pain brought on by his words.

"Nath—"

"Let's just get this over with. I have better things to do with my time."

She can tell he's shut down, that his mask of indifference is on yet again, and she nods, unwilling to press the issue further and risk damaging their tentative friendship even more.

"Okay. Let's just go over covalent bonds."

* * *

_Present…_

She shakes off the memory as she slowly walks home after running out on her tutoring session with Nathan. She knows exactly why this particular memory torments her. That awkward session on the docks was the turning point in her relationship with Nathan. She realized that what she felt for Nathan, that confusing, uncomfortable, awkward, yet exciting feeling, was more than just a possible friendship or a means to protect Luke. It was something new, something undiscovered, and that realization allowed her to fall more under his spell until she was head over heels and completely unsure of what was happening between them.

It is their secret, it has always been their secret from the very moment Nathan kissed her one morning on the docks during a tutoring session. As she thinks of how their. . . relationship started, of her initial provision that Lucas could never find out, she knows that from the very beginning, she is the one who placed the restrictions on them. She made him swear to keep the tutoring a secret, and when their professional relationship turned less professional , it was a given that too would remain private.

Not that Nathan is running down the halls at school shouting to the world that he's making out with his tutor. _Not that he would if he could_, Haley tells herself as she nears her street. Not for the first time, she wonders whether, if she hadn't been the one to place the restrictions, if he would have done so. She tells herself yes, because it helps to ease the guilt that constantly eats at her whenever she thinks about Nathan and their screwed up relationship.

Guilt for lying to her family and friends, especially Lucas. Guilt over the jealousy she feels when she sees Nathan with any girl other than herself. Guilt over the hurt she sees in his eyes when she pulls away after a heated embrace.

Guilt over the anger she feels towards her best friend, because she's afraid she is sacrificing the best thing to ever happen to her in order to not anger Lucas.

_I made this bed and I have to lay in it_, she reminds herself as she approaches her house. Whatever she feels for Nathan, she is still unsure about so many things. If he feels the same; if Lucas could ever understand; if Nathan is only in it for the kick of getting back at Lucas. Logically, she knows that's not the case, but when her mind is swirling with confusion, when her emotions are threatening to swallow her whole, she loses any sense of rational thought.

She's not sure why the incident in the Tutoring Center hurt her so much. It's not like it's the first time he's pulled away in public, or shuts down so quickly, and she's afraid it won't be the last. Not if they continue this lie of a relationship.

She doesn't even want to think about what she would do if they ended things. Regardless of her confusion, she wants this. . . thing with Nathan, and she hates herself for that. Before Nathan, she never thought she'd become one of those clingy girls she and Lucas snickered over as they watched them make fools of themselves in front of Nathan. Before Nathan, she never thought she'd place herself in this situation, hiding her true feelings and accepting a cheap imitation in return.

_Before Nathan_ seems to be her mantra now.

As much as she wants Nathan, wants this thing between them to be more, she's starting to wonder if ending it would be best for everyone. Best for her relationship with Lucas, best for Nathan, best for her.

Her stomach cramps at the thought.

As she nears her house, she spies the familiar figure of her best friend sitting on her porch, and for a brief moment, happiness sweeps over her. This is how it should be: Lucas and Haley, Haley and Lucas. They don't need anyone but each other. No Peyton, no Nathan, no Brooke, no basketball team or newfound popularity. Just. . . Rocket Roe and Bunny Brigard.

But as she steps up onto the porch, Lucas' wide, guileless smile greeting her, her familiar friend guilt washes away everything, leaving her once again questioning her decision to ever get intimately involved with Nathan Scott.

"Hey Hales. How was tutoring?"

She shrugs, sitting beside him and laying her head on his shoulder. "It's tutoring. Nothing more, nothing less." She's not sure who she's trying to convince: Lucas or herself.

He glances down at her, confused at her statement, but shakes it off when she turns her head to smile at him.

"What brings you to my door, Eugene?"

"Hales," he whines. "I thought we agreed to keep that a secret and that you were never to mention it again."

Unconsciously she stiffens at his words. She forces herself to relax before Lucas notices and questions her. There have been too many questions lately, and she can only dodge him or change the subject so many times before he becomes more suspicious. Unfortunately, she is unsuccessful.

"What's wrong, Haley?" He nudges her with his shoulder. "You can tell me."

"It's nothing, Luke," she protests, unwilling to say anything more. The familiar lie rolls off her tongue.

He eyes her, and she feels like she is drowning. Drowning in guilt threatening to swallow her whole, drowning in the confusing jumble of emotions she feels for Nathan, drowning in the mess her life has turned into over the last several weeks.

She shakes her head as he continues to stare at her. She knows what he's doing, he's trying to silently wear her down like he has done so many times before, but this time she won't budge. She _can't_ budge, because if she does, she fears her friendship with Lucas will be forever altered. His best friend involved with his hated half-brother? There is no good to come from revealing the truth.

"Honestly, Lucas, it's nothing. I don't think I did well on a test today so I'm worried about that," she says, nearly gagging on the untruths. She can't tell him. She can't lose Lucas.

He lets it go, and she inwardly sighs with relief. Another day, another bullet dodged.

"Did I tell you I had an encounter with Nathan this morning?"

_Ohgodohgodohgod_.

"Yeah," he continues, "I ran into him before second period and he just grinned at me. God, he's such a smug bastard. And even though they've stopped messing with me at practice, I can't help but think he's got something else planned."

"Well, if he hasn't done anything lately, maybe he really is trying to change," she offers, unwilling to think about the last part of his statement. She doesn't want to believe Nathan is using her. Not after everything they've shared.

He shakes his head angrily and Haley recognizes the sign of an impending fight on her hands. She's not in the mood to deal with it, to coddle Lucas and try to reason with him about Nathan. It always falls on deaf ears, not that she can blame Lucas, and over the last few weeks, her patience is wearing thin. She tries with Nathan and is met with the same resistance, and right now, she can't do it again with her best friend.

"Alright, Luke. You're right, let's just talk about something else, okay?"

Unable to let it go, Lucas continues to explain why Nathan is such a dick and why he can never be trusted, why Peyton was right to break up with him, why Nathan leads such a charmed life, until Haley can no longer take it. It's been building within her for weeks, the guilt warring with her anger towards Lucas for being unwilling to cut Nathan _any_ slack. After her encounter with Nathan in the Tutoring Center, her emotions are too close to the surface to contain it any longer.

"God, Lucas! Did you ever stop to consider that living with Dan Scott is no walk in the park for him? That maybe his life isn't as perfect as you think? That maybe he's scared and confused and lonely and not the heartless jackass you'd like him to be?"

Her words are a heated explosion, and when she finishes, she breathes heavily, eyes flashing with equal measures of anger and pain. It feels good to let it out, to express some of the frustration she's dealt with lately. But when he turns to face her head-on, her pleasure is short-lived.

"What is going on with you, Haley? Ever since you started tutoring Nathan, you've changed. You're secretive, you're defending him at every turn. What the hell is going on?" His voice is quiet but tense, nearly cutting her with its razor-sharp edge.

She shakes her head. She's opened this can of worms, true, but that doesn't mean she's ready to confess everything to him.

He continues to press her. "Seriously, Hales, what is going on? Is it something with Nathan? Are you. . . god, are you dating him?"

The disgust he feels at that notion is clear in his voice, and Haley feels a tiny piece of her heart break. Her worst fear is confirmed, and she wonders again if this relationship with Nathan is worth losing Lucas.

She does know this: whatever her feelings for Nathan, no matter how special he makes her feel or how much her heart races when he's near, she cannot lose Lucas. She couldn't bear it if she did.

She studies her best friend, and she wants to cry at the realization that she has helped turn him into this angry, defensive person. She can't be the cause of that anymore, and for the first time since this whole mess started, she knows what she must do. It won't be easy, she doesn't lie to herself (for once) that it will be, but she'll do it, regardless of the personal cost.

"No, Luke," she tells him. "I'm not dating Nathan, I-I never have. There's nothing, absolutely nothing, between us except tutoring."

The words clog in her throat and she is afraid she'll burst into tears in front of Lucas. He seems to believe her, and she doesn't know whether to be happy or depressed that once again, she can lie to her best friend so easily.

She's made her choice now, for better or worse. And though her heart is crumbling at what she has to do next, she knows come tomorrow morning, she will end things with Nathan, remaining as his tutor and nothing else. Her world will turn right side up again, she and Lucas will settle back into their friendship without another thought, and she'll be the Haley she was before she started tutoring Nathan.

The only problem is, she doesn't want to be that Haley anymore.

_To be continued. . . _


	3. Chapter 3

**See Chapter 1 for the summary and disclaimer.**

* * *

"Nathan! Where the hell have you been? I've been waiting for over an hour for you to get home! Get in here now!"

Dan's voice shatters the quiet stillness of the house as Nathan enters. Rolling his eyes, he walks into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water from the refrigerator, intent on sneaking up the back stairs and into his bedroom. Dealing with his father on most days is hard enough; today it would be a nightmare. He knows he is late for the training sessions he endures with Dan each afternoon after basketball practice but he can't find it in himself to care. He's not in the mood for more "advice" from Dan Scott, not that he ever is, but after the incident with Haley in the Tutoring Center, all he wants to do is play his PlayStation and ignore the confusing jumble of emotions he's been fighting since Haley ran out on him.

However, as masterful as Nathan is at mentally ignoring his father, it is impossible to ignore the man as he steps into the kitchen, his face dark with fury.

"Nathan, where have you been? You're an hour late for our training! We can't expect you to be any good for the scouts if we slack off on training."

Nathan rolls his eyes. _Our_ training, _our_ practices, _we_. . . It's the same song and dance every day, and it's as old now as it was the first time he heard it. He's tired of being the vessel which his dad uses to try to recapture his long-lost glory. Not for the first time he wonders if maybe Lucas had the better life growing up without their father.

"Yeah, Dad, because heaven forbid we, I mean _I_, slack off for one day," he mutters as he meets his father's angry countenance. "Besides, Whitey ran us extra hard at practice today."

Dan scoffs, and Nathan prepares himself for another lecture. About his personal failings as a basketball player, his disappointing behavior serving as a poor reflection on Dan, his inability to move beyond Dan's own self-proclaimed greatness at the game, Whitey's pathetic attempts at remaining relevant…. The list goes on and on and it's a crapshoot as to what ammunition his father will decide to use today.

"I don't care what Whitey does. Do you really think the old man can prepare you for college scouts? Hell, he's never even come close to coaching college, why do you think he knows the first thing about what they're looking for?"

Whitey it is. At least he's not complaining about Nathan, but he's sure it's just a matter of time. Dan will grow weary of criticizing his former coach and move on to his favorite target: his own son. But for just a few minutes, while Dan lambasts Whitey, Nathan is content that at least his dad is laying off him.

For now, anyway.

He ignores his dad as Dan continues to berate Whitey for his lack of expertise, determination to use Nathan to get back at Dan, the usual litany of complaints. It's second nature to Nathan, Dan's behavior, and he doesn't blink an eye as his father rags on Whitey for everything under the sun. When his dad once again mentions the state championship game, Nathan rolls his eyes and mouths along with the familiar words.

"And then I told him it was my team, not his—"

"Yeah, Dad, and then you walked out, your team lost, but you showed Whitey who was boss."

He's never understood why Dan has always been so proud of the fact that he cost his team the state championship. Although it has been drilled into his head from the moment he picked up a basketball, he's never truly believed that one man is the team. Sure, the adulation he receives after a big win—the girls, the booze, the parties—it's all gone to his head, but despite the superficial trappings of being Nathan Scott, Basketball Star, he knows the team's success is due to more than just him.

He doesn't dream of ever telling Dan. He's never confessed it to anyone. Well, except one, but his internal musings are interrupted when Dan once again turns his derision towards Nathan.

"I tell you this, son, so that you know that no matter what Whitey says, it is _your_ team. Although if you keep this behavior up, it won't be your team for much longer," Dan lectures, his voice heavy with displeasure. "It's not like I haven't noticed the way you've slacked off the last few weeks. Coming in late, sneaking out, not giving it your all during training. You're disappointing me, Nathan."

_You're disappointing me, Nathan._

Words he hears on a daily basis, words that, try as he might, never fail to affect him. Despite the hardened exterior he has built over the years, whenever his dad tells him he's a disappointment, it takes everything within him not to scream in frustration. Even worse, he fights not to cry because crying in front of his father is _not_ a possibility. He can only imagine the mocking he would receive.

It's not easy being Dan Scott's son, and he's never had anyone who understands that, who doesn't see him as an ungrateful rich prick, a whiny spoiled brat. Living up to the image Dan presents to the outside world, the near-impossible image of perfection that his father demands on the basketball court, is the most difficult thing he's ever endured. No one bothers to look past the façade and see the real Nathan Scott, the Nathan Scott he tries desperately to hide.

Until Haley James, that is.

* * *

_Five weeks earlier. . . _

"Nathan," Haley giggles as he rants about the Pickerington Hicks, as he likes to refer to Tree Hill's rival. Not for the first time he notices how pretty she is when she lets loose, a wide smile gracing her full lips, and he wonders what her reaction would be if he leans over and kisses her. Something he's wanted to do since their first tutoring session when she laid out the ground rules and told him she wouldn't put up with any of his bullshit. He grins as he remembers how her cheeks flushed when she uttered the profanity.

"What are you grinning at, Mr. Scott?" she asks, her smile softening to a gentle curve. Her voice lowers, taking on a teasing quality, and he is thrilled to realize she's flirting with him.

Haley James flirting with Nathan Scott. Will wonders never cease?

Their relationship has changed since that awkward tutoring session a week ago, and he's not sure why. Like in their other sessions, he had acted like a jerk: slowly beginning to open up to Haley until his hard-earned defenses kicked in and he reverted to his usual jack-ass persona. He can't even remember why they did; all he knows is that it happened, Haley was hurt, and he cursed himself for hurting the one person who actually seemed to give a shit about him. Not his basketball stats, not his money or good looks, but _him_.

The next day at the Tutoring Center, he was surprised to discover that Haley was still his tutor. He figured he had fucked it up for the last time, that she was tired of dealing with him and would pass him off to another tutor. He wouldn't have blamed her. What reason had he given her for putting up his shit?

That was his second mistake in dealing with Haley James: not giving her enough credit.

From that day on, there has been an unspoken difference in their interactions. It's. . . deeper, more honest, and although it terrifies Nathan to the core to be so vulnerable with someone, he's found it to be more rewarding than he ever imagined. He's never been this way with anyone in his life. Certainly not his dad, nor his friends. Even his relationship with Peyton was more about sex and parties than any type of real emotion. It's scary as hell, to be so open with Haley, but there's just something about her that draws him in, that makes him want to be a better person.

For himself, even for his father though he hates to admit it, but more importantly, for _her_.

"Nathan?" she questions again when he didn't answer her earlier teasing.

He's so lost in his thoughts that he startles when she covers her hand with his own, squeezing it gently. He stares at their hands for a moment, relishing the warm, soft touch. This is another change in their relationship. They touch more, hands lingering on hands or the small of a back, feet toying underneath the table; simple touches that affect him more than any romp in the sack. Whenever he feels her soft skin, his heart races and his skin tingles with anticipation. Anticipation of feeling her lips pressed against his own, of tracing the paths his fingers take with his lips.

He finally finds his voice. "Wouldn't you like to know, Miss James?" he teases back, relieved to be on familiar ground. Flirting he can do. Flirting he can do very, very well.

He turns his hand so he can entwine his fingers with hers, holding his breath as he gauges her reaction. They've never done anything so physically demonstrative, and he can't fight the happiness that sweeps over him as she glances at their hands before grinning at him, her smile so wide and open that he swears his heart skips a beat. Being around Haley is a heady experience, even more than the game-winning shot of a hard-fought game or the roar of the crowd when he enters the gym to play. Merely holding Haley's hand is doing more for him than the countless nights of partying and random hook-ups ever did. She sees past the bluster, the shallow façade he maintains, to his true self.

It scares and exhilarates him in equal measures.

Unbidden, his dad's voice pops into his head. _Can't lose focus, son. Nothing else matters except basketball. Won't be able to beat my records if you don't focus on what is really important._

Nathan grows cold as the words echo, the scorn in Dan's voice clear as day. This is why he's hesitant to pursue this. . . whatever it is with Haley further. His father is an eternal specter in his life no matter how much Nathan fights it. Although he fights to ignore Dan, and is usually successful, his dad is always there, his words never failing to remind Nathan what a disappointment he is. He inevitably falls back on his typical defensive behavior, lashing out at the nearest person, and the last thing he wants is to hurt Haley like that. She deserves more, and he's scared he can never be that for her.

He's trapped by his father's words, and he feels like he will suffocate if he doesn't get out of this room.

Before he can escape, before he can revert to his jackass behavior, Haley squeezes his hand and places her free hand over their entwined ones. And just like that, he can breathe again.

"What's wrong, Nathan?"

Her quiet words drown out his father's voice in his head. Her touch washes away the feelings of self-loathing that are so familiar to him. The compassion in her large eyes heals the invisible scars he attempts to hide.

It's too much. He'll screw this up, he knows he will, and he doesn't think he can bear it when he does. He's not good enough for her, he never will be, Dan tells him constantly--

"Nathan," she whispers, her voice practically a plea, interrupting his thoughts. "Are you—you know you can talk to me about anything."

He nods, not trusting his voice right now. He doesn't want to break in front of Haley but he can feel the pressure building behind his eyes, the sensation familiar after his daily encounters with Dan. Despite the turbulent emotions swirling inside him, a sense of peace rushes through him as she raises their hands to her lips. For the second time in the span of five minutes he can't breathe, but this is a wholly different sensation. He feels like he's flying as she brushes a whisper soft kiss against his knuckles.

"Whoa," he murmurs, unaware he spoke until Haley blushes and turns her head away in embarrassment.

She drops his hand, and he realizes she's scared she has read something unintended on his part. He quickly grabs her hand, firmly wrapping his fingers around hers and giving her what he hopes is a reassuring smile.

"Thank you, Hales," he tells her, his voice rough and unsteady. He clears his throat before continuing. "It's just. . . my dad. You've met him before and well, you know what an ass he can." He manages a weak grin at her emphatic nod. Everyone in Tree Hills knows how much of an ass Dan Scott is.

She smiles, the sight warming his heart. "I don't know all about your relationship with your father, but Nathan, you're so much more than he says, more than he'll _ever_ be. You know that, right?"

He shrugs, believing it is her truth but unable to fully accept it as own. Not yet, maybe not ever, but the light in Haley's eyes, the confident grin she gives him, tells him that with her help, maybe he can.

As they resume their studying, their hands still entwined, he understand that what he thought was his first mistake in dealing with Haley—starting to fall for her so unexpectedly—is the best mistake he's ever made.

* * *

_Present…_

His father continues to lecture him, the usual complaints of Nathan's failure on the basketball court, his pathetic excuses during their training sessions, his lack of focus toward their goals, his personal disappointment as a son and so on. Dan is right, but Nathan doesn't care. He has been distracted lately, thoughts of Haley and their burgeoning but secretive relationship constantly plaguing him.

He knows he's falling for her, hell, he's pretty much fallen head over heels for her, but the man standing before him, yelling and shaking his head in disappointment, is the reason he can't make his relationship with Haley public. He knows it's a cop-out, a pathetic excuse to maintain the slim thread of control he has now, but he's too weak to do anything else. He's terrified he'll hurt Haley, that he's no different from his father.

It scares him to his core that he is like Dan, but with each dismissive word to Haley, every public brush-off he gives her and their relationship, he knows that he is. He wants to change, he so desperately wants it, but fears he can't be the man Haley needs him to be. When he's with her, when she's in his arms, he feels that he can be, that he can triumph over Dan's determined hold, but then he comes home and the strength he gathers in her presence withers away with his father's scornful words.

The ache grows in his heart each time he sees Haley's face as he sneaks her into a classroom or moves away when someone gets too close in the Tutoring Center. When she turns her gaze to him, eyes wide with the hope he'll soon unwillingly crush, he hates himself. He's not proud of his behavior but he's helpless to change.

At least, that's what he tells himself at night when he tosses and turns, unable to sleep as images of Haley's disappointed, hurt face torments him.

"Nathan! Are you even listening to me?" his father barks, snapping Nathan out of his thoughts.

"Yeah, yeah, Dad, I'm a screw-up. I get it," he mutters as he grabs his water bottle and brushes past his dad. He can't take it anymore, he has to get out of this house.

As he moves past, Dan grabs his arm, pulling him around to face him once more. "What is your problem, son? Are you distracted by some girl? I haven't seen Peyton around lately so it can't be her. Some random slut at school?"

He yanks his arm from his dad's grasp, face turning red with anger. This is exactly why he can't go public with Haley. His dad could be a real bastard and he wasn't going to expose her to that.

"God, Dad, it's nothing! There's no girl, no reason I'm screwing up so much lately except maybe to piss you off," he lies as he once again moves past his dad. "Look, I'm going to my room and if you want to continue to moan about what a disappointment I am, you'll have to do it alone."

He rushes up the stairs to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him. He throws the bottle on his bed and falls into his desk chair, burying his head in his hands. Dealing with his father is nothing but a nightmare. When he raises his head, his gaze catches a slip of paper half-hidden underneath the school books on his desk. He pulls the piece of paper to him, grinning as he recognizes the writing.

The note from Haley that completely spiraled their relationship into a new direction.

* * *

_Four weeks earlier…_

The piece of paper catches his attention as he opens his locker at the end of the day. It's a note, and although it's not an uncommon occurrence to find a note from some random chick, he immediately knows this one is different.

It's from _her_.

He opens it eagerly, eyes greedily devouring every word. Their session in the library last week was fresh on his mind, and in the meetings since, they're marked with more touching, more hand-holding. He hasn't worked up the nerve to kiss her yet—Nathan Scott afraid to make a move?—but as he reads it he thinks maybe today is his lucky day.

_Nathan, Something's come up and I won't be able to meet after basketball. Want to meet at my house after my shift at the café? See you then! –Hales_

He grins as he recalls his conversation with Haley yesterday when she told him her parents were gone until next week, off visiting one of her older sisters.

Yep, today was _definitely_ his lucky day.

At approximately ten minutes past eight that evening, Nathan walks up to the sidewalk of the James house. Knowing it takes Haley ten minutes to walk home from the café, he times his arrival perfectly because just ahead is Haley. He jogs to her silently, surprising her when he wraps his arms around her waist before pulling her to his chest.

"Nathan," she squeals, dropping her bag on the ground in shock.

They twirl around twice before he lowers her back to her feet, both laughing all the while. He can't explain the giddiness he feels whenever he's around Haley, but the goofy grin he wears shows he's doesn't care to. The how's and why's do not matter to him, only the what.

"How was the café?" he asks as he bends down to pick up her satchel. He hands it to her and is pleasantly surprised when she wraps her hand around his, tugging him towards the front porch of her house.

"It was fine. Mr. Wilkerson, the guy I told you about earlier this week? He came in again today and started flirting with me! And not just in the cute, grandfatherly way, like calling me "sweetheart" or something. No, this was major flirting, and when Karen overheard it, she totally kicked him out," she babbles , oblivious to Nathan's clenching jaw and stiff posture at her words.

"He hit on you?" he grounds out, and Haley glances at him, grinning when she hears the jealously he can't hide.

"Someone jealous?"

He shrugs, the tension in his body easing slightly she squeezes his hand and pulls him inside the house. Her laugh echoes in the otherwise silent room and he can't stop the grin that tugs at his lips.

"Alright, maybe," he mutters, evading the more truthful answer.

"C'mon, Jealous Guy, let's get cracking'. Homework isn't going to do itself, unfortunately," she tells him as heads toward the stairs to her room.

He swallows nervously as they approach her room. He's been in her house before but never her bedroom. He knows her room is a sanctuary for her, a getaway from her hectic schedule of school, work and tutoring. As they near her door, his nerves jangle. He feels almost. . . unworthy to enter her sacred space, but when she turns and gives him a blinding smile, he feels a measure of calm.

Entering the room, he glances around, instantly feeling at ease at the trappings of Haley's life: the pictures of her loved ones surrounding her; the eclectic decorations on the walls; the raggedly cute stuffed animal on her bed. It's a comfortable room, as unpretentious as its occupant, who shuffles around nervously, straightening her bedspread and shoving something that suspiciously looked like a bra under the bed.

Looks like he isn't the only nervous one. Perhaps he can change that. . .

"Okay, well, why don't you get settled on the bed and get started on your math homework while I work on my essay for Lit," she says as moves toward her desk, being careful to not brush against his body as she walks past him.

Not agreeing with that plan, he reaches out to grab her hand, pulling her to sit with him on her bed. "Or we could just sit here for awhile and talk."

_Or not talk_, he thinks as he studies her face. Although he's been too nervous to kiss her up to this point, there's a tension in the air, a sense of expectancy that weighs against him. From her anxious shuffling on the bed, he knows she feels it, too. They have danced around this for two weeks, both taking hesitant steps forward but unwilling to take it further, to make it real.

He's ready to take that next step, to take that scary leap into the unknown. As he leans towards her, his hands rising to cup her cheeks, he prays she's ready to take that leap with him.

He presses his lips against her, a tender kiss that sets his heart racing. He doesn't deepen the kiss, merely keeps his lips pressed to hers for a long moment before pulling back and resting his forehead against hers.

"Wow," she whispers, her breath puffing against his lips. Her eyes are still closed and he grins as she mutters another soft exclamation.

"So, that was okay?" He's nervous, more nervous than he's ever been around a girl, and despite her previous expression of apparent enjoyment, he worries maybe he crossed a line.

She opens her eyes and gently smiles at him. "It was perfect, Nathan. I've wanted to kiss you for the longest time," she confesses quietly, her cheeks flaming with a rosy blush.

"Me too, Hales," he tells her, his smile turning into a smirk as her blush deepens.

He drops his hands to her waist, tugging her closer to him. She protests half-heartedly but another grin and a quick kiss silences her.

"So, I have a very important subject I need to study for tonight."

"Oh yeah," she says, quirking an eyebrow at him, amused by his enthusiastic nod.

"Yeah, and I really want to do well in this subject so we may need to study a long time. Like, hours even." He fights to keep from laughing at her intrigued expression. "In fact, I think it's the most important subject I'll ever study, to be honest."

"And what's that?"

"Kissing Haley James 101."

After she blushes and stammers her embarrassment at his words, he proceeds to show her how seriously he intends to take his studying.

_Present…_

He studies the note, the girlish loops and swirls of her writing calming him even as he hears his father approaching his door. That night changed their relationship, it changed _him_. She took a leap with him that night, and now, he wants to take this leap for her. She deserves better, he knows that with every fiber of his being, and although he is still fearful he'll hurt her, he believes he can be that guy for her.

He _will_ be that guy for her.

He'll tell her tomorrow at their tutoring session.

_To be continued_. . .


	4. Chapter 4

**Finally an update. I promise the next update will not be months. Thanks for the feedback on this story, I really appreciate it.**

**See Chapter 1 for summary and disclaimer.**

**

* * *

**

_Present..._

Slamming her locket shut, Haley turns around to face Lucas, freezing when she catches Nathan staring at her from down the hall. She didn't show up again for her tutoring session with Nathan this morning, unable to face him. Although she is resolved to end things with him, end this farce of a relationship, she cannot find it in herself to confront him and actually utter the words. Instead, she has avoided him for the last few days, always making sure to have Lucas near her to prevent any type of confrontation in the halls. Outside of school, she throws herself into her shifts at the café and her homework, anything to keep her mind off Nathan.

Unfortunately, none of it works. Nothing stops the ache in her heart when she sees Nathan in the halls; nothing prevents her tears at night when she deletes another message from him on the answering machine. She's not sure what he's doing, and she doesn't allow herself to believe that perhaps he does care after all. That maybe their relationship means more to him than just stolen kisses in the library or hidden embraces in the Tutoring Center.

After her conversation with Luke on her front porch a few nights ago, she knows that ending her relationship with Nathan is the best thing. It's the _right_ thing to do, she tries to tell herself. She's tired of lying to her parents and to Lucas; most of all, she's tired of hurting. Before she became involved with Nathan, her life was simple. She had her family, her friendship with Lucas, her work at the Tutor Center and the café. It wasn't a glamorous life, but it fit Haley, and she knew who she was. Then she and Nathan started. . . whatever it is that they are doing, and suddenly everything in her life is different.

She wants her old life back, simple and boring it may be, but it is hers. She knows removing Nathan from her life, while solving most of the external problems, won't change the turbulent emotions inside her, won't make the desire fade, but it's the only thing she can do. She can't hurt Lucas, she _won't_ risk that relationship.

But when she sees Nathan, or catches his eye as they're changing classes, all the rational arguments for ending things with him disappear. Everything fades until it is the two of them, as it always is with them, and she feels herself falling even further under his spell. She's not sure what he's done to her, but she can't find it in herself to care when he stares at her, his crystal blue eyes boring into her until she can't breathe. Then he blinks or Lucas calls her name and the spell is broken, leaving her breathless and so goddamn tired of the ever present ache in her chest.

She wants it, _everything_, to be over. She's tired of hurting, she's tired of lying. She's scared Lucas will discover her secret and their lifelong friendship will be over. She's afraid Nathan will grow tired of her and discard her like all the other girls he's had.

But most of all, she's terrified she's falling in love.

* * *

He's not surprised when Haley skips tutoring once again.

She's avoided him, ignored him in the halls, since their fight in the Tutoring Center a few days ago. That night, tired of the lying and the hiding, he had resolved to tell her the next morning that he wanted more than clandestine meetings after her café shifts, more than their secret kisses shared during tutoring sessions. He wants everything with her, a thought that should terrify him, that _did_ terrify him until several nights ago.

But with Haley, everything that once scared him seems right.

The first time she missed their tutoring session he chalked it up as a one-time occurrence. When she ignored him in the school hallway—no soft, secret smile or quick wink sent his way—he thought she was too preoccupied. Then she skipped tutoring the next day and he became concerned. With Lucas by her side constantly, he hadn't been able to speak to her at all, to tell her what he had decided, and when she made no attempt to see him, he grew worried. And Nathan Scott didn't worry about girls. Ever.

Then she skipped tutoring _again_ and now he is just pissed.

It's so tempting to blow her off, much like she's done with him, and just forget everything; to go back to how things used to be, when his life was simple and easy and he wasn't tied up in goddamn knots whenever he's around Haley. Then he thinks about not seeing her again, rumpled and sleep-hazy in the morning or flushed with passion at night, or not kissing her, and his heart clenches. As angry as he is with her right now for ignoring him, for cutting him out of her life so easily, he cannot comprehend not having her in his life.

He doesn't want to think about the fact that he may not have a choice in the matter.

He doesn't want to think about the fact that maybe Haley doesn't care for him, that she never did.

Nathan shakes his head in frustration at that thought. No, he _knows_ their relationship means something to Haley. She may be able to lie to her parents and Lucas, but she can't lie to him. He knows that the passionate times they've shared over the last several weeks aren't meaningless, certainly not to him. He knows Haley, better than he's ever known anyone in his life, and no matter how effective she is at lying to her family, he doesn't want to believe she could lie to him.

He desperately needs to believe she couldn't.

However, when she nearly runs into her locker in her haste to avoid his gaze, his heart drops as he realizes maybe he doesn't know Haley as well as he thought.

Maybe Haley James is a more effective liar than he ever believed.

* * *

She's walking to her English class, head down so as to avoid any possible Nathan sighting, when she is suddenly yanked into the Tutoring Center. She opens her mouth to yell but nothing emerges when she hears a familiar voice. Her heart throbs at Nathan's low whisper behind her even as she steels herself for the inevitable confrontation. From the first time she skipped their tutoring sessions, she's always known this moment would come.

That knowledge doesn't make her any more prepared for it.

"So were you just hoping if you ignored me long enough I'd go away?"

Haley closes her eyes at the frustration in his voice. She chalks it up to his disbelief that someone could turn down the great Nathan Scott because she can't allow herself to believe that he cares for her, too. If she does, she knows she'll never be able to follow through with ending things with Nathan. If she's honest with herself, she doesn't want to end their… relationship, but it's what she has to do.

"I…," she trails off, unsure what to say. _It's for the best_, she tells herself, but she's unable to actually say the words.

"What? Just tell me, Hales," he demands, his voice breaking just slightly on her nickname.

She steels herself against the hint of pain in his words, knowing if she drops her guard for a moment she will be lost. She can't allow it, not if she wants it make through this encounter unscathed.

He barrels on, his words tumbling over one another in his haste. "Because I think that's what you're doing. I think you're taking the easy way out because you're scared of Lucas and what he'll think if he finds out about us so you're just giving up. _You_ were the one who said this had to be a secret, that you didn't want Lucas to find out, so I guess you're just making sure he won't discover anything about us, huh?"

She knows he's right, she was the one who made the initial demand that their relationship remain a secret from everyone, but it's not like Nathan made any attempt to change that, she tells herself.

Still unable to face him, she takes a deep breath before speaking. Her words are carefully measured, without a hint of the pain wracking her body.

"Nathan, we both know this was a mistake. Yes, I wanted to keep the tutoring a secret from Lucas, and then everything just spiraled out of control. We got caught up in the moment, but you and I know that it can't ever be more."

He snorts. "And why not? And when did I say I didn't want to be more?"

She echoes his snort with one of her own, although her heart skips a beat at his implication. Could she have been wrong? Could he actually want more for them? No, she won't allow herself to fall into that trap. She wouldn't survive it if she was wrong.

"You didn't have to say anything, Nathan. I think the fact that you were content to keep things hidden, that you somehow found it in yourself to flirt with other girls right in front of me, spoke volumes. Face it, this was just something fun and now it's over."

Nathan can't hide the pain in his voice, though his words are laced with anger, and Haley turns to face Nathan, her stomach dropping at the fury blazing in his eyes. His jaw is clenched and the familiar sight brings a tear to her eye. It's how he looks after an argument with Dan, and she hates herself for causing him pain like his father. She knows firsthand the tempestuous relationship Nathan has with Dan.

"Just something fun? That's all this was to you? Just some goddamn fun?"

* * *

_Three weeks earlier…_

Haley is so busy studying she doesn't hear the first pebble thrown against her window. She also doesn't hear the second or third, but she does hear the muttered curse as someone falls against her window. She scrambles over to the ledge and pulls up her shade to see Nathan rubbing his knee, wincing in pain.

She hastily raises the window and helps him into her room, his unexpected appearance causing a shiver of pleasure down her spine. It's not a rare occurrence for Nathan to come to her house late at night, to sneak in after her parents go to bed, but at their tutor session earlier in the day he had told her that his dad demanded that tonight be "guys' night." From his grimace when he told her about it, she knew Nathan wasn't looking forward to it but she also knows that when Dan Scott makes his demands, his son obeys. Nathan wasn't sure if he would be able to come to her house later that night, so she is surprised when he pops up at her window a little after eight o'clock.

The way he's rubbing his knee as he sits on her bed tells her he is in some physical pain, but the scowl on his face practically screams that his night with Dan did not go well. She's seen Nathan after an encounter with his dad only once, but she's listened to him talk about Dan more times than she can count. Dan knows exactly how to push Nathan to the limit, a fact that disgusts Haley. What kind of father can treat his son so horribly? Not for the first time, she's sure that Lucas is actually the lucky Scott son.

"Do you need some ice for your knee?" She asks him softly, hyper aware her parents are downstairs and not sound asleep in their bedroom.

He shakes his head, his shoulders drawn up with tension. Without a second thought, she sits behind him, her legs on either side of his hips, cradling him. She begins to rub his shoulders, patiently working out the knots as they sit silently, Nathan's occasional groan breaking the stillness. Haley is surprised she feels comfortable in the silence. Usually she rambles away to fill any uncomfortable silence, but with Nathan, there is no sense of discomfort. Only a still, quiet peace that feels as natural as anything she has ever experienced.

It scares and thrills her in equal measures.

Haley continues her massage, her hands drifting lower on his back. She stifles the urge to press a kiss to the nape of his neck, but she doesn't prevent her hands from slipping under his shirt to touch bare skin. She is fascinated by his body, the hard muscles, the soft skin, and luckily, he always seems amused by her fascination. As her hands continue to smooth over his skin, she blushes when she remembers just how fascinated she was last night…

She is startled out of her thoughts when Nathan shifts on the bed, pulling away from her slightly. She drops her hands to her lap and mutters a hasty apology.

"No, no," he reassures her as he turns to face her. "It's not you, Hales. I'm just…." He trails off, sighing deeply as he rubs the bridge of his nose. "Tonight with my dad was a nightmare. Not a shock I know, but it was worse tonight than it has been in awhile."

"I'm sorry, Nathan. Is there anything I can do?"

He stares at her, his eyes lit with something Haley can't identify, and she feels herself warm when he takes her hand and entwines it with his own. Her breath catches when he smiles at her, the smile he reserves only for her, and once again she fells everything fall away until it is just the two of them. No Dan, no Lucas, no lies, no secrets. . . just Nathan and Haley.

She wants to tell him that she's tired of sneaking around, that she wants more. She wants to tell him that she's falling for him, that the best part of her day involves him. She wants to tell him that no matter what Lucas or Dan or anyone at school says she wants to be with him.

She wants to tell him all of that but can't find the words. She's still scared that Nathan doesn't return her feelings, that perhaps she's merely a part of his plan to antagonize Lucas. It doesn't escape her notice that Nathan continues to harass Lucas, although he's stopped any physical torment.

Nathan's cell phone rings, disturbing the peace that had settled around them, and at his harshly muttered curse, she knows it's Dan. She feels her heart sink as Nathan's smile disappeared, his brow furrowing as he reluctantly drops her hand and answers the phone.

His words are stilted, uncomfortable, and Haley can hear Dan yelling at him through the phone. Her heart breaks for Nathan as Dan berates him, demanding that Nathan come home right now. Muttering a hasty reply, he snaps the phone closed, staring at it for a moment before throwing it against the wall. Haley startles at the unexpected action, wincing as the phone shatters on impact.

"Sorry, I'm sorry," Nathan says, his eyes wide with shock. "Oh god, Hales, I'm so sorry. It's just. . . Dan, he. . . God, I hate him."

"It's okay, Nathan," she soothes him, moving closer and grabbing his hands. She brings them to her mouth and brushes a kiss to his knuckles. "It's okay."

"No, it's not! He's such an ass and ruins everything! Tonight at dinner he told me how I've been slacking off lately and what a disappointment I am to him. He even said that maybe he made a mistake and chose the wrong son! I hate him! All he does is bitch at me and push me. You know, I don't think I've ever heard him say he loves me or he's proud of me."

Haley gasps at the broken pain in his voice. From what he's told her previously, she knows his relationship with his father is a tense one at best, but listening to him now, it's worse than she ever imagined. When they first started fooling around, she recognized that so much of his behavior was a direct result of Dan's influence, but as time passed, she realized that for all of Nathan's jackass attitude, it was merely to hide the scared little boy inside who so desperately wanted his father to be proud of him.

"I'm so sorry, Nathan. I wish I knew what to say."

He shrugs. "Dan's an ass, there's not much else to say." He grins at her, although it was weak and shaky.

"Are you sure? I want you to know what I'm here for you, Nathan, for anything you need."

As she says the words, she realizes they have never been truer. She wants to be there for Nathan, no matter what. It's more than just a fling, more than just two people having a good time. It's more than Lucas or Dan or her parents or the social status quo at Tree Hill High.

It's _everything_ to her.

* * *

_Present..._

"No," Haley whispers so softly that Nathan misses her reply.

"What?" He barks, so frustrated and hurt beyond belief by her apparent casual attitude towards them. This is exactly what he did not want to hear: that Haley was just in this for kicks, that he didn't mean anything to her beyond some hot kisses and passionate touches. "Damnit, Haley, just answer the question!"

"No, okay? Is that what you wanted to hear? No, it wasn't just something fun to me but Nathan, that doesn't matter. We wouldn't work, you and I, alright?"

Her voice is shaky and Nathan feels a momentary ache at the obvious pain she's experiencing, but even that can't assuage his anger. _She_ is the one who put the restrictions on them; _she_ is the one who has avoided him for the last several days. He wants a true relationship with her but goddamnit, how can he when she can barely look at him?

He takes a deep breath, struggling to calm down and discuss things rationally with Haley. When he pulled her into the Tutoring Center, he intended to lay it out for her, tell her everything he had been feeling, but when he saw, all the pain and frustration from the past days, hell, the last several weeks, rushed through him and he began yelling.

Great, that's exactly the way to tell the girl of your dreams that you want a real relationship.

But he's so tired of this. . . this unyielding reluctance on her part to make it something more. He recognizes that he did his share to hide their relationship, that he didn't shout from the rooftops that he was dating Haley James, even if he wanted to, but at least he _wants_ to change things for them. All he can see is Haley running from him without looking back.

It hurts him more than he ever imagined.

Taking another deep breath he starts again, this time determined to tell her exactly how he feels. "Hales, I'm sorry for yelling, but I don't understand why you've been ignoring me. You've skipped out on tutoring, you don't even look at me in the halls, and you ignore my calls. I thought. . . I know we've been sneaking around, hiding from everyone, but I thought I meant more to you."

She raises her head to meet his gaze, teeth worrying her lower lip like she does when she's nervous, and Nathan has to fight the desire to kiss her.

"Nathan, I—we don't work, okay? Look at us, we can't even tell our friends we're dating!"

"Because you said we couldn't! I never said I wanted to keep us a secret!"

"But you never tried to change it," she protests, her words a feeble excuse.

"Because I didn't want to push you! I was afraid if I did, you'd run as fast as you could from me. And then when I didn't, you still ran! Damned if I did, damned if I didn't, huh?" He laughs bitterly, the sound harsh and cruel.

Her eyes are wide, so full of pain and understanding and anger and a thousand other emotions. He can feel himself fall for her all over again, and it irritates him because he still hasn't gotten the truth from her. He won't let himself believe that she is speaking the truth. He knows they mean more to her; it's the only thing he'll let himself believe.

"I can't do this anymore, Nathan. I just can't. Luc--" She stops suddenly, her words soft but they pierce him just the same.

He shakes his head, wondering how it all got away from him. "I knew this was about Lucas. You're too worried about hurting your precious Lucas that you don't even care you're hurting me or, more importantly, yourself. _We_ don't work because you won't allow yourself to put yourself first. I want you, and I don't give a fuck if Lucas approves of me or not! Damnit, Haley, are you always going to live your life according to Lucas' standards?"

Haley narrows her eyes, and Nathan swallows reflexively at the fury in her gaze. Maybe bringing up Lucas isn't the smartest way in handling this, he thinks to himself.

She stomps over to him, balling up her fist and hitting his arm. "Don't you dare talk about my friendship with Lucas! You don't know the first thing about it! You don't know how he's suffered over the years because of you and Dan and I am _not_ going to cause him more pain! That's not what friends do, Nathan. Maybe in your messed up world that's how friendships work, but here in the real world, where people are honest and kind and not assholes, we don't do that to our best friends!" She is breathing heavily when she finishes her rant, her face flush with anger.

Nathan is silent, wary of saying anything to set her off again. He should apologize; although he meant what he said about Lucas and how Haley always put him first, he knows he could have phrased it differently. He always speaks first without thinking and once again, it bites him in the ass. He's not sure how to fix this and he's terrified that he won't be able to.

Haley presses her palms to her eyes, taking a deep breath in the way that tells Nathan she's struggling not to cry. All he wants to do is pull her in his arms and apologize, telling her that he didn't mean it that way and he wants to be with her no matter what, but he remains where he is. He's not sure she would welcome his embrace right now and if she rejected him, it would shatter the slim thread he has on his heart.

"At least Lucas cares about me."

* * *

_Two weeks earlier…_

Nathan is lying on his bed, tossing a basketball in the air absentmindedly as he ponders whether to call Haley. She was with Lucas tonight, saying she needed some time with her best friend. It irritated Nathan to no end when she told him earlier today, and hours later, it still irritates him. He has no right to be upset, he and Haley aren't in what anyone would call a real relationship, but he can't fight the annoyance he feels at not being with her tonight.

He's been struggling with his changing feelings towards Haley for weeks, and he's unsure if she feels the same. When they're together, he has no doubts, but when he's away from her, doubts creep in and he worries that he has read too much into their interactions. Even though he can't define exactly what he's feeling, he knows he's never felt this way about anyone before, not even Peyton. He misses Haley when she is not near him, and when she is, all he wants to do is kiss her and goddamn, when he did start sounding like Pucas?

The thought of Lucas brings him back to his current dilemma: to call or not to call? He doesn't want to disturb her evening, particularly if she's still with Lucas because calling her would only lead to questions she'd be unable to answer, but he needs to hear her voice. Since the Tutoring Center was crowded this afternoon, they weren't able to engage in as much conversation as they usually did, much less their more. . . pleasurable activities. Although he missed kissing her today, he finds that he missed just talking to her more.

He debates the pros and cons of calling her yet again when his phone rings, the chirp startling him into missing the ball on its way down. Rubbing his now sore nose, he grabs the phone from his bedside table, grinning when he sees it's Haley calling.

"Hey Hales, tired of hanging out with Lucas? You need a real man?"

Her only response to his teasing is a muffled sob and Nathan swears his heart drops. Oh god, please let her be alright, is his only thought as he tries to get her to talk to him.

"Haley, what's wrong? Are you okay? Where are you, baby?" The endearment slips out, unnoticed by Haley, but Nathan catches it, amazed at how natural it feels.

"Na-Nathan, I need you," she manages to get out between sobs, and before she can tell him where she is, he's shoving his feet into his sneakers and grabbing his keys.

"Where are you, Hales? Are you at home? Are you at the café?" He rushes out the door as he questions her, thankful for the millionth time that his dad is still at the dealership and his mom is on one of her fundraiser trips.

"I-I… I'm at home, Nathan." Haley calms down enough to tell him that her parents are away for a few days and he can come right in through the front door before she hangs up.

He makes the ten-minute drive to her house in five minutes and barely stops the car in time to put it in park. Running up the sidewalk, he opens the front door without knocking before heading upstairs to her room. This is something new for him, rushing to a girl when she's upset and needing comfort. Usually he's the one making her upset.

Yet another sign that he's not quite the Nathan Scott he used to be.

"Hales?" He asks as he knocks on her closed door. She tells him to come in and he slowly opens the door, suddenly afraid of what may be waiting for him. Since this is new for him, he's unsure the protocol for helping a sobbing female and he's scared he'll make it worse.

Nathan crosses the room to her bed, where Haley is curled up in a ball. She is surrounded by wadded up tissues, and in her arms she's clutching Mr. Waffles, the ragtag teddy bear she's had for years. He kneels down beside her bed, placing his hand on her upper arm and squeezing gently.

"Hales, what's wrong? What happened?"

She raises her red-rimmed eyes to his and sniffles, the child-like action making him smile internally. She scoots over on the bed, pulling on him until he's lying beside her, her head resting on his chest.

"Hales?"

"I think Lucas hates me," she whispers, her voice clogged with unshed tears. "He got mad at me tonight since he knows I'm tutoring you and he thinks that something is going on with us."

"Haley, something _is_ going on with us," he tells her, confused as to why she was so upset. Lucas was an ass to her, like he usually is when it comes to Nathan, what's so strange about that?

She sighs, burying her head further in his chest. "Yeah, but he doesn't know that for sure, and I think now he does and I'm afraid he'll hate me forever for lying to him and I don't know what I'll do if he does! He's my best friend, Nathan!"

He doesn't know what to tell her. He doesn't like Lucas, he's never hid that, and he really doesn't like the fact that Lucas is such a dick to his supposed best friend. He's treated her horribly the last few days when he found out Haley was tutoring Nathan, taking it as a personal affront. Why Lucas thinks he can dictate what Haley can and can't do, Nathan doesn't understand, but he doesn't try to tell Haley that. The first time he did, she yelled at him so thoroughly, he swore the neighbors heard her.

"I—I don't know what to say, Hales. You know how I feel about Lucas and the way he's treated you about you tutoring me."

"Nath—"

"But I can tell you that he doesn't hate you. How could he hate someone as amazing as you?"

"You mean, someone who's lied to him for weeks?"

He tightens his arms around her and kisses the top of her head. "Listen to me, Haley. Lucas is an ass—"

"Nathan!"

"Lucas is an ass, but even I can see how much your friendship means to him. So, even if he is mad right now, he'll be back around. You mean too much to him," he tells her, his words sincere even as it nearly kills him to say something so nice about his half-brother. If it wouldn't piss Haley off so much, he'd pound Lucas' face the next time he saw him for making her cry.

They are silent for several minutes, the only sounds Haley's occasional sniffle and a car alarm echoing down the street. She curls her body even more into his, and his groin tightens when she throws a leg over his. Although they've done. . . things, he recognizes now is not the time to make a move. He clears his throat and moves slightly on the bed, wincing when her leg presses closer to his crotch. He needs to get up now before he embarrasses himself in front of her. Not for the first time but he doesn't want to think about that right now.

"Why don't I make us some mac and cheese? I think this calls for the food of the gods, don't you?"

Her answer is a wide grin and Nathan's heart clenches at the sight. He's falling for this girl, and for once in his life, he isn't scared.

* * *

_Present..._

"Yeah, because the guy who's made you cry countless times over the last several weeks, who's yelled at you for tutoring me, yeah, that guy cares about you," Nathan scoffs and Haley shakes her head, suddenly drained.

She's so tired. Tired of the fighting, tired of the lying, and most of all, she's tired of hiding her feelings for Nathan, but she's done. It's too painful, too hard, and she doesn't want to hurt anymore. She's hurting her Nathan and she wants to cry at the thought of how much she's hurting him, but she just can't do it anymore. She needs to end it, she _has_ to end it.

"Nathan, I care for you, I do, but I can't do this anymore. It's over. We're over. I'll find you a new tutor and we'll just go back to what we were before."

"No, Hales, I don't want that, I want you." His words are desperate, pleading, and Haley feels her heart break a little more at what she has to say.

"I don't want you, Nathan." The lie tastes filthy in her mouth, and she wants to take it back when she sees the hurt in his eyes but she doesn't.

He storms out of the Tutoring Center with one last glance at her. "Fine. You don't want to do this anymore, then don't. I don't care."

The house of cards she's been building for weeks crashes down, leaving her standing alone among the ruins.

_To be continued…_


	5. Chapter 5

**Yes, another update after a couple of months. This story is nearing the end, only two (possibly three) more chapters left. I really do appreciate all the wonderful feedback I've received for this story. For anyone who is interested, I posted a short one-shot yesterday, _The Moment Love Begins_. **

**I hope you enjoy this chapter. Any feedback is much appreciated.**

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* * *

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_Present. . . _

It's been a week since their fight in the Tutoring Center. Seven days since he laid it all on the line and Haley rejected him. Since she chose Lucas over him and never looked back. True to her word, the next morning when he walked into the Tutoring Center, he found not Haley waiting for him at their usual table, but rather some gangly, awkward sophomore who barely finished squealing about tutoring _the_ Nathan Scott long enough to actually help him. It took everything in him not to storm out of the room and confront Haley, but after their confrontation in the Tutoring Center, he had decided to let her come to him.

Six days later, he still hasn't seen her. Well, nothing beyond a quick glimpse in the hall before she turns and practically runs the opposite way.

It pisses him off, the way Haley is avoiding him, _them_, and hiding behind the excuse of Lucas. Nathan knows they could be amazing together if only she would give them a chance, but she's so insistent on making sure that will never happen. It eats away at him, the anger he feels when she avoids him, and slowly but surely, he can feel the old Nathan Scott, the impetuous, vengeful boy he had been before Haley entered his life, returning. When he sees Haley and one of his first reactions is to lash out at her to cause her the exact pain he is experiencing, he knows it's the old Nathan, the Dan Scott Nathan.

It's yet another reason he is angry with Haley. During their relationship, he was actually becoming someone. . . good. Someone worthy enough to be with her, but then she ended things with him and whatever strides he had made disappeared just as quickly as she had from his life. He can tell he is reverting to the boy he used to be, the immature boy who used others for his own gain, who dismissed those around him if they couldn't do anything for him, the boy who was angry all the time.

But more than the anger, it's the pain that eats away at him and threatens to swallow him whole. Growing up with Dan Scott, he had experienced physical and emotional pain, so much so that he swore he was numb. He shut himself off to emotional attachments because if he didn't feel anything, he wouldn't hurt. He wouldn't have this ache in his chest whenever his father yelled at him, or when he saw his brother and wondered what might have been if he hadn't been such a bastard to Lucas throughout his life. He wouldn't feel like a lost little boy whenever his mom chose work over her son. He put up a façade of the carefree, wild party child who didn't give a shit about anything other than basketball and having a good time.

Then he met Haley and the wall he erected years before crumpled until he lay bare before her, his heart finally open to the emotions he had denied himself so long ago. For a while, it was perfect. Well, not completely perfect because neither pushed to make their relationship more, but it was closer than anything Nathan had ever had. Haley deserved a better person than the one he had been, and over the last seven weeks he learned that not only did he want to be that person for her, he _needed_ to be.

And then they had that horrible argument in the Tutoring Center a week ago, and now nothing is the same.

"Yo, yo Nate. What up, boy?"

His best friend's voice interrupts his thoughts and, for the first time in forever, Nathan is thankful to see Tim.

"Just say hey, Tim. What's up?"

Tim grins, eager to have his friend back after his disappearing acts over the last several weeks, and Nathan feels a twinge of guilt at the happiness on his friend's face. Having been so wrapped up in Haley, his friendship with Tim had deteriorated, although he's not sure Tim was ever aware of that fact. Sadly, Nathan realizes that his causal dismissal of Tim over the past weeks is a common occurrence in their friendship.

"Not much, Nate. Just glad to see you're back to normal."

Nathan grimaces at thought of being his old self again. Although the thought that he could so easily slip back to the old Nathan depresses him, he can't deny that it's easier to be that guy, the one who doesn't care about anyone. He's changing, he knows it, but he also knows he doesn't have the strength to completely fight it. Why should he when the one person he has ever cared about so casually broke his heart?

"What do you mean?" he asks Tim as he slams his locker shut, ignoring the fact that he unconsciously glances down the hall to try to catch a glimpse of Haley. As it has been for the last week, she's not there.

She's never there.

"Oh, you know. Being all buddy-buddy with that tutor chick, not hanging out with the team. You know," Tim explains as they begin to make their way down the hall. "It was just kinda weird, that's all."

_Kinda weird_. If that didn't describe the last month or so, he didn't know what did. It disappoints Nathan that his attempts to become a better person are as easily dismissed as being "kinda weird." He can't blame Tim, however. For so long their lives revolved around basketball and the perks the game brought—popularity, girls, the freedom to do pretty much whatever the hell they wanted. It was everything they had known and thought they had wanted; until Nathan met Haley and all of the things he had enjoyed just two months before turned into silly, inconsequential nothings.

He knows he can't blame Tim, but he can't fight the anger that sweeps through him at his friend's words. Everything he has been feeling, everything he has tried to ignore, bubbles to the surface and Nathan has to take a deep breath to keep from screaming out his pain.

"What, so I can't have a life outside of our damn circle? Grow up, Tim," he grunts, struggling to keep from letting his emotions free. His tone is harsher than he intended, and Tim winces.

"Damn, Nate, what crawled up your ass? _You're_ the one who's ignored me for the last month but I'm the jackass? What the hell ever, man."

Nathan closes his eyes in frustration but can't find the words to apologize. He should, he knows he should, but he doesn't care enough to do so. _Never apologize, son._ His father's words echo unconsciously in his mind, and he swallows sharply at the sign that he is losing himself to the old Nathan.

"Ever since you started tutoring, you've been different, Nate. You never hang out with us, you blow us whenever you can, and when you talk to us, you're an ass," Tim continues. "What the hell, dude?"

He shakes his head, although not in denial of what Tim is saying. It's true, every word, and Tim has every right to call him out on his behavior. He's been so consumed by Haley that he's ignored nearly everything else in his life. He opens his mouth to explain when Tim's next question freezes him.

"Are you into tutor chick?"

He can't speak. He can't even open his fucking mouth before Tim rushes on, sure he has discovered the reason Nathan has been acting so odd.

"Nah, that can't be. You wouldn't stoop that low, not when you could have any girl in this school. I know! You're banging her to get back at Lucas, right? I always thought they were dating, so no better way to screw over your bro—Lucas than sleep with his girl, right? So how is she? I bet she's wild in be--"

Before he can think about it, Nathan grabs Tim by the shirt and slams him against the lockers, the sound echoing even over the loud volume of the crowd. The hall is suddenly silent at the sight of Nathan Scott and his friend, a look of pure rage on Nathan's face.

"Don't you ever, _ever_ say anything like that again, do you understand, or I swear, Tim, I will beat your ass," he seethes, his voice low and filled with pure menace. "I don't care if we are friends. Say that again and I will end you."

Tim struggles to push Nathan away, but Nathan is so angry he doesn't feel the useless swats at his chest. He presses him further into the locker before uttering, "Do you understand?"

At his friend's weak nod, he lets Tim go and steps back, taking a deep breath to calm his raging emotions. He doesn't know what came over him, but hearing Tim talk about Haley like that, hearing him demean his relationship with Haley, pushed him over the edge. With a start he realizes how extreme his reaction was, and he opens his mouth to apologize but is stopped by the anger on Tim's face. Tim glares at him while straightening his shirt before bending down to pick up the book bag he had dropped, his movement jerky with suppressed fury.

"What the fuck, Nate?"Nathan shakes his head, unable to explain. "I-I'm sorry, Tim. I guess I'm ju-just tired or something."

Tim scoffs.

"No, really, I'm sorry, Tim. I don't know what came over me."

Tim glances down the hall, where everyone is watching the two friends, when he sees Haley and Lucas come around the corner. He turns back to Nathan. "That's such bullshit, Nathan. I don't know what's going on with you, and right now, I don't really give a fuck, but it's obviously something to do with Haley," he bites out, jerking his thumb in the direction of Haley.

Nathan shrugs, hesitant to tell him the truth, although he knows after what just happened it's painfully clear that it has everything to do with Haley. He catches a glimpse of Haley out of the corner of his eye and his heart breaks at the disappointment and confusion on her face.

Tim laughs, a bitter, pained laugh that echoes down the near silent hall. "When did things change so much? When did the 'great' Nathan Scott suddenly start giving a shit about a girl?"

****

_Three weeks ago. . ._

"Nathan," Haley giggles, "we have to study."

"I am studying, Hales. Remember _Kissing Haley James 101_? Well, the final is coming up and I really need to prepare," he murmurs against her neck before placing a soft kiss on her collarbone.

"Wh-what about your history test tomorrow?"

He leans back to study her face, and, not for the first time, he is awed by her simple beauty. Her face is bare of makeup, the only color the slight flush to her cheeks. Her eyes sparkle with delight, and her lips are kiss-swollen and fairly begging to be kissed again. He cups her cheek and she instinctively nuzzles against his hand, both sighing at the feel of the other.

"You're so beautiful." His words are a mere whisper but vibrate with emotion. "Do you know how beautiful you are?"

She blushes and avoids his eyes, her embarrassment clear. "You're just saying that because I brought up your history test. I'm onto your tricks, Mr. Scott."

He watches her lips as they form the words but barely hears her, so captivated is he by her mouth. Unable to ignore temptation, he presses his lips to hers in a gentle kiss that quickly turns passionate. She opens her mouth to his and their tongues dance in a rhythm that causes his groin to tighten. He can't fight the urge to thrust against her center and swallows the low moan she utters at his action.

They've progressed further over the last week, although they still aren't having sex. To Nathan's surprise, he is content with just kissing and holding her. Haley is different than any girl he's ever dated, and their relationship doesn't revolve around sex. Although they have moved beyond merely kissing, he finds he's the one pulling back from exploring further, not because he doesn't want to (oh god, how he wants to) but because he knows how important sex is to Haley. They've only been dating a few weeks, but already he knows he would do anything to make Haley happy.

It's a strange feeling, one that he still fights occasionally because it's nothing he's used to, but the more time they spend together, the more he stops fighting. He's falling for Haley James and right now, when she's looking so perfectly kissable, he never wants to stop.

Haley runs her hands through his hair, gripping the strands tightly when he moves from her mouth and begins to trail kisses down her slender throat. He nibbles a particularly sensitive spot, and her legs tighten around his hips, pulling him that much closer to her. Nathan smiles and mutters something unintelligible against her throat.

"W-wh-what did you say?"

Nathan glances up at her, his smirk firmly in place. "Getting bold, aren't we, Haley James?"  
Her blush deepens even more but she doesn't loosen her legs. "Are you complaining?"

He presses against her, his arousal evident. "Does it look like I'm complaining? Please, get bold as much as you would like."

"You're awful."

"And you love it," he retorts, both freezing at the l-word. It was a joke, but one that is too close to burgeoning feelings, ones neither are ready to share.

They are silent for long moments, staring at one another as they struggle to find something to say until Haley breaks the tension.

"So. . . if you want to make it to _Kissing Haley James 201_, you better get studying for your final," she says around a chuckle.

"You really are a hard-ass when it comes to studying, aren't you?" he grins. "Not that I don't mind. I'd much rather study with you than anyone else."

"Such a charmer, you are," Haley scoffs, rolling her eyes.

He silences any further comments by kissing her, pulling back only long enough to quip, "Babe, you ain't seen nothing yet."

Hands begin to wander and soon he is shirtless and Haley's shirt is unbuttoned. His bare chest presses against her bra-covered breasts, and his heartbeat quickens when he feels her hard nipples through her bra. Her fingers drift to run along his sides before dipping underneath his pants. Her hands drift to the waistband of his pants, and his breath catches in his throat as she touches his cock for the first time.

"Is this. . . is this okay?" Her eyes are wide and luminous, and Nathan can read the fear and anxiety in her eyes.

He nods, unable to speak. He has slept with numerous girls but no one had ever gotten him more worked up than Haley James. One touch from her soft hand and he was ready to explode. He stills, afraid he will come too soon if he so much even breathes too strongly.

Haley James will be the death of him one day.

Her fingers caress him lightly, her grip firming as she becomes familiar with his length, and Nathan is unable to hold back a harshly uttered "fuck" when her thumb swipes across the tip of his cock. She does it again and it is nearly his undoing.

He thrusts into her hand, biting his lip to keep from groaning when she squeezes his cock and grins at him.

"I guess that's okay?" she grins, and laughs when he attempts to scowl at her. "I take that as a yes."

He is close to the edge, and he knows that one more twist of her hand will send him hurtling over the precipice. Forcing himself to move, he stills her hand and smirks at her confusion.

"Not that that wasn't great, but I'm the one with the final coming up."

Haley lets out a full-blown laugh and rolls her eyes at his eagerness. "And what kind of tutor would I be if I allowed you to fail your exam?"

"Wouldn't want to have to tell Principal Turner the star tutor was so careless as to let a pupil flunk his favorite subject, would we?"

His grin mirrors her own, and he can't deny the happiness that fills him at the sight. He's grown closer to Haley over the last few weeks than anyone in his life, something that terrifies and thrills him in equal measures. Even though their friendship changed to something more only a week ago, he realizes they are already quickly approaching something that will forever change his life. He has never felt this before, this rushing, swirling tangle of emotions that leave him breathless at the sight of her smile. He doesn't give voice to it, too scared of how it will change everything, because he knows he isn't ready.

But soon. Soon he will be.

"You are crazy, Nathan Scott," she giggles, shaking her head.

"Only about you, Haley James."

Her smile is blinding and he is left breathless.

****

_Present. . . _

"You know what, Nathan? Forget it. You've changed, and right now, I really don't care." Tim sighs, running his hand over his head. "You've let some girl get you so twisted."

"She's not 'some girl'," Nathan whispers, his gaze focused on the floor.

"What?"

"I said, she's not 'some girl.'" He raises his head to meet Tim's eyes. "Her name is Haley James and I lo—she's not just a girl, Tim."

This, this is the moment he's been waiting for. This is the reason he and Haley fought in the Tutoring Center. This is the reason he hasn't slept in a week. Even though he told Haley he was ready to make it official between them, to announce to their world they were dating, he never expected it would be like this: standing in the middle of the school hallway, every eye on him as he confesses his secret. He's scared, no, he's fucking terrified, but more than that, he is certain that his next words are the utter truth. He's fought it, he's denied it, but as he stands in the hallway, feeling Haley's steady gaze on him, he knows the past six weeks have boiled down to this one moment.

"I love her."


	6. Chapter 6

I know, a horribly long time between updates. I suffered a bad case of writer's block regarding this story, and for stories in general, but I broke through and managed to finish this chapter. There is one chapter remaining and I've already started it so hopefully, it will be posted sooner rather than later.

Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and/or favorited this story. I really do appreciate it more than I can say and I treasure all the feedback I receive. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

* * *

_Present…_

"Hales, what's going on?"

She glances up from her book, the mid-day sun blinding her so the person standing before her is a dark blur. For a moment, she thinks it is Nathan and her heart stops. She hasn't spoken to him since their argument in the Tutoring Center a week ago, and she's had to stop herself from calling him every night to apologize and explain why she's so scared. She wants to make things right with Nathan, but something, _someone_ holds her back.

She doesn't want to hurt Lucas but she's so tired of lying to him and to everyone. The moment she uttered the lie to Nathan that she didn't want him and saw the pain in his eyes, Haley knew that she no longer could hide behind the excuse of her best friend. As much as Nathan means to her, and as much as she wants to be with him, she knows she has to resolve the situation with Lucas before she can move forward with Nathan. She's terrified she has ruined whatever chance she may have had with Nathan, all because she was too afraid of what her best friend might say. She doesn't want to live this way anymore: torn between her best friend and the boy she lo—Nathan. Each night for the past week, she swears that tomorrow will be the day she tells Lucas everything. Tomorrow will be the day she stops lying to herself.

Tomorrow keeps getting put off.

She hasn't spoken to Nathan but she's seen him in the halls, of course, but only from a distance. Not having the nerve to approach him, she has watched from afar: the way he laughs and jokes with his teammates as they walk down the hallway, the grin he flashes when a freshman flirts with him… To everyone else, he appears to be the same Nathan Scott, the guy every girl wants to be with and the other guys want to be. For all of his bluster, Haley sees through the act, the carefully crafted façade, to the young boy underneath desperate for his father's approval. The slight hurt that darkens his gaze, the forced laughter at one of Tim's dumb jokes, the tension in his body that fairly screams of the emotional battle warring inside of him… Haley sees it all. She doesn't want to; she doesn't want to see all the pain she has caused him because doing so would force her to admit that she is hurting just as much.

"Hales?"

Hearing her name again, she breaks from her thoughts and blinks in the glaring sun, the dark shape before her slowly forming into her best friend. She gulps, her stomach twisting in knots as Lucas plops down in the seat in front of her, a hesitant smile on his face. She's avoided Lucas almost as much as Nathan this past week, too scared to be around him for more than a few minutes at a time in fear that she would blurt out her secret… whatever with Nathan. Knowing she needs to tell Lucas is one thing; actually telling him, and seeing the disappointment on his face, the anger, the pain caused by her lies, is something else entirely.

So she stayed away, pleading long shifts at the café and extra tutoring sessions with new students. She'd catch Lucas's eye in the halls between classes, and, flustered by seeing Nathan in the halls as well, she'd turn in the opposite direction, not wanting to risk any type of confrontation. She had been a chicken, she knows that, but she hadn't been ready to confess to Lucas so she ran, all but hiding from her best friend for a week. Telling Lucas will change everything, between her and Lucas, between Lucas and Nathan, between her and Nathan. So much has changed over the last several weeks, she just wants the one constant she's had throughout her life to remain the same.

As Lucas stares at her, his eyes full of questions he has yet to ask, she senses that everything is coming to a head: all the lies, the secrets, the hiding, it all is about to come out and she can't do anything to stop it.

It takes every ounce of willpower she has to remain sitting at the table.

Swallowing harshly, she plasters a fake smile on her face and greets him with a "Hey, buddy. What's going on?" She winces inwardly at the false note of cheeriness in her voice.

Holding her gaze, Lucas is silent for a long moment and Haley braces herself for what is to come.

"I don't know, Haley, you tell me." His voice is quiet, resigned, and his smile fades.

She feigns confusion. "What are you talking about, Luke?"

He snorts, a harsh sound, and shakes his head, glancing down at the table for a moment before meeting her eyes once again. "Why have you been avoiding me this week?"

"Avoiding you? Luke, I told you, I've just been really busy with tutoring and the café and—"

"Right, so you've said. I guess that explains why you've practically run from me every time you me between classes, why you've eaten in the library every day at lunch, why you've—"

"I've had a lot of homework to catch up on," Haley explains, choking back the bile that threatens to rise at the lie.

"Homework," Lucas mutters.

She shrugs, knowing she needs to confess her secret but still unable to do so. Keeping such a huge secret from her best friend has eaten away at her, and even though she knows the moment of truth is rapidly approaching, she maintains her silence.

He studies her, his gaze unwavering and Haley shifts uncomfortably in her seat. "Why are you lying to me?"

His voice is soft but the question is harsh in its bluntness. It hangs in the air between them, an invisible barrier that has slowly been building over the six weeks she has been tutoring Nathan. There's a distance between the two friends that has never been there, and as they face off, Haley is suddenly struck with the fear that once she tells him, once she reveals the secret she's been keeping from him for so long, their friendship may not survive her betrayal. For as long as she can remember, it's been Lucas and Haley, Rocket Roe and Bunny Brigard. She was the one he cried to when kids called him "bastard" in elementary school. He was the one she ran to when she had to escape the madness of the James household. They were each other's confidant, secret sharer of dreams and imagings.

She can't imagine her life without Lucas and she's terrified she may have to.

"I—" She starts to respond, to deny his accusation, but stops when she sees the pain in his eyes, pain she has caused. Haley lowers her gaze to study the cracked edges of the concrete table, unable to face him any longer.

"What did I do? Why are you mad at me?"

Her head snaps up, the shock of his question evident on her face. He thinks this is his fault? That he's the reason she's avoided him, lied to him? For a moment she is tempted to let him believe it, but the obvious hurt radiating off him is too much for her to bear. She can't allow him to think this is his fault, that he's to blame for the noticeable distance between them.

It's now or never, and before she spills her secret, before she breaks Lucas's heart, she prays that one day he'll forgive her.

"It.. it's not you, Luke. It's me. I-I have something to tell you, something you're not going to like," Haley says softly, her voice barely louder than a whisper. "I've been keeping something from you."

"What?"

She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes so she doesn't have to stare into the icy blue eyes that remind her so much of Nathan's. "I-I've been tutoring Nathan and—"

"I know that, Hales. Can't say I like it, but I know he was assigned to you and you're not one to turn your back on a student that needs help, even if it is my jackass of a bro--."

Shaking her head, she interrupts him. "It's more than that, Luke. Nathan and I… w-we… our relationship was more than just tutoring."

She's confessed, but she doesn't feel like a giant weight has been lifted from her. If anything, the silence that follows her statement presses down on her until she feels like she can't breathe. The silence builds until she can't take it anymore. She risks opening her eyes and glancing at Lucas, scared that maybe he just got up and left.

He is still there, still staring at her. He opens his mouth to say something but quickly closes it. She remains silent, knowing Lucas is still processing what she just told him. She takes it as a good sign he hasn't stormed away.

At least, not yet he hasn't.

As the silence stretches to minutes, finally it's too much for her to take. "Luke, I'm sorry. I should have told you long ago, I shouldn't have lied to you, but I know how you feel about Nathan and I didn't want to hurt you. And before you say it, I know that by lying to you, I hurt you, and I'm so sorry for that, you don't know how much, but I just… I couldn't tell you," she finishes lamely.

"How long?"

"Almost as long as I've been tutoring him. But it's over now. I know you don't have any reason to believe me, not after I've lied to you, but it is. He told me…. Well, it doesn't matter what he told me. I-I ended everything with him because I knew—"

"You knew what?" Lucas asks.

She takes a deep breath, slowly releasing it. She hadn't planned on telling him the reason why she broke it off with Nathan, but she hopes that once Lucas hears, he'll realize how sorry she is for betraying him. "I was tired of lying to you, to my parents, to everyone, and I knew that my being with Nathan would only hurt you. I guess I just got caught up in everything, even though I knew what I was doing was wrong. I had to make a choice and Luke, you're my best friend. I couldn't, _can't_ lose you."

"He made you choose?" His tone is angry, and Haley is surprised that he seems angrier at the thought of Nathan forcing her to choose between the two of them rather than the fact that she's lied to him for six weeks.

"No, Luke. He didn't. I did."

"Why?"

Even though Haley finds that to be an odd question coming from Lucas, she answers, her heart breaking as her mind flashes back to the argument she had with Nathan a week ago. "Because I knew I was hurting you, even if you didn't, and I can't stand the thought of hurting you. My relat—what happened with Nathan didn't mean anything."

At that, her voice falters as she remembers the pain in Nathan's eyes when she told him she didn't want him, when she broke his heart and her own. Haley never expected to fall for Nathan Scott, and she certainly never thought he'd feel the same. For so long, she was content with being the smart girl who never bent the rules, the girl who always by Lucas Scott's side, but then she became involved with Nathan. Being with him, falling for him, revealed a side of her she never knew existed. She misses that feeling, almost more than she can bear, but risking her friendship with Lucas for something that probably wouldn't last? It isn't a risk she can take.

"You're lying again, Hales."

Shaking her head furiously, she denies the truth of his words, even as she wonders why Lucas is pressing the issue. He can't stand Nathan, and she knows he was hurt by her confession of her involvement with his half-brother. She broke things off with Nathan for him; isn't that enough?

"Haley, you are. I know you are."

"It doesn't matter, Lucas. It wouldn't have worked, even if you were okay with it. It wasn't anything more than what it was. It didn't mean anything to either one of us."

Her stomach churns at the utter falsehood. It wasn't just anything, just a way to pass time. It was, is everything. She shared things with Nathan that she hadn't told anyone, not even Lucas. He opened up to her in ways that she knew he had never done with anyone else before. It was more than just heated embraces and stolen kisses. It was exhilarating and scary and wonderful and painful and magical, all rolled into one.

It was love.

Reaching over the table, Lucas grabs her hand, squeezing it tightly to gain her attention. When Haley is focused on him he states, with such simplicity and utter truth behind his words, "It did, Hales, and I know because I saw you two together."

Her mouth drops open in surprise, too stunned to say anything more than, "What?"

Lucas nods. "It was about ten days ago, one morning before school. I was walking along the Market Street docks and I saw you and Nathan sitting at a table. At first, I assumed it was a tutoring session, and yeah, I admit I didn't like that you were tutoring him, so I hung around for a few minutes. But the more I watched, the more I could tell it wasn't just tutoring between you two. It was something more."

As he continues his story, Haley's mind drifts back to that morning. She remembers it well because it was the last time her and Nathan were really together. That night she had the fight with Lucas about Nathan, the night she decided that it had all become too much.

*****

_Ten days earlier…_

"Nathan, stop! We have to finish this assignment," Haley giggles as his hands drift to her sides, ticking her through her shirt.

Nathan ignores her, pulling her shirt from the waistband of her pants so he can touch bare skin. Haley bites back a moan at the light caress and forces herself to concentrate on the history assignment. Nathan has a test coming up and unfortunately for him, it's not in Kissing Haley James 101 (which he would pass with flying colors, Haley admits to herself).

"I'm serious, Nathan," she admonishes as she wiggles out of his grasp, ignoring the pout on his face. "You have a test in two days and you're slacking off."

"Ooh, Hales, when you get so strict, it's really hot." He waggles his eyebrows in an exaggerated manner and Haley struggles not to laugh. He's so cute like this, laughing and carefree, but he really needs to study for this test.

"Oh shut up." She rolls her eyes at him, secretly delighted at this teasing. She's never had this before, she's never been the type of girls that a guy flirts with, much less Nathan Scott flirting with her. It's still surreal, and she sometimes wonders if it's all just a dream, that she'll soon wake up back in the real world. She doesn't want to (god how she hopes this lasts forever) but it's just so unbelievable at times.

"I'm serious, it is."

She studies his face, sincerity clear in his eyes, and smiles. Whatever is going on with them, the secrets, the lies, the sneaking around, it all seems worth it in moments like this, when everything is perfect and true. She can't admit her feelings for him out loud, not yet, but it bubbles up inside her, threatening to sweep her away when he touches her or cups her face in his hands, the intensity of his blue eyes boring into hers. It's overwhelming, this feeling, and she can't put a name to it, or maybe she's just scared to. Being with Nathan, while amazing and wonderful, is also scary as hell. She knows his reputation as the playboy of Tree Hill High, and she'd be lying if she said it didn't worry her that maybe she was just another conquest.

But then he smiles at her, the shy, secret smile he shares only with her, or touches her with an honesty behind his actions that almost makes her cry, and she knows that it's not like that with Nathan. Not this time.

Whatever it is between them, it's something more.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Listen Mr. Big Shot, if you don't pass this test, you don't play. Remember that game you love? Where you shoot your free points?"

"Free throws, Haley," he laughs.

"Whatever," she says again, joining in the laughter. Nathan knows basketball is not her forte but apparently finds her lack of knowledge amusing.

He tucks a piece of hair behind her ear, his thumb grazing her jaw line, and stares into her eyes, his Haley smile gracing his lips. He stares so long she becomes nervous, fearful that she has something on her face. She had been chewing on a pen earlier; maybe it smeared ink across her face?

"What are you staring at, Scott?" _Please don't let me have ink on my face_, she thinks to herself.

He shakes his head, the smile still playing at his lips. "Nothing. Do you know how beautiful you are?"

Blushing with embarrassment, unaccustomed to such compliments, she rolls her eyes. "Wow, you must be desperate to get out of studying."

It's a joke, but a small part of her is serious. He says things like that, and sometimes she doesn't know how to respond. So she reverts to sarcasm, her trusty defense mechanism, and shrugs off the flattery.

Nathan's smile falters, his brow wrinkling with concern. "Why do you do that?"

"Do what?" She feigns ignorance.

"Brush off any compliments I give you. You make a joke and change the subject. Do you—do you not believe me, Hales?"

She shrugs, not wanting to discuss her neuroses with him. She doesn't want to reveal her insecurities, her fears about him or their relationship. She doesn't want to be that clingy girl that always needs reassurance. With everything else, she's confident in her abilities. She knows she's a good tutor, a good friend, a good daughter. But when it comes to Nathan, she's a bundle of insecurities at times. She hates it, she wants to feel as confident as she does when she walks into a classroom, but when she's with him, everything is topsy turvy. It thrills her and scares her in equal measures.

"I do, Nathan, it's just…" She lets out a harsh breath, not eager to show him how crazy she gets sometimes.

"Just what," he prompts softly, gently. His hands drift down to capture hers, and their fingers entwine naturally, as if they were meant to. She marvels at that for a moment before he squeezes her hand to encourage her to continue.

Grimacing at the thought of revealing her inner fears, she plunges ahead. His thumbs caressing the top of her hands calm her slightly but her heart is still beating wildly.

"I've never had this before," she nods her head to indicate their joined hands. "So I'm not sure sometimes how to act. You say things, really great, beautiful things, and I don't know, I get nervous and scared."

"Of me?" Hs voice is hurt, worried and Haley rushes to reassure him.

"No, not of you. I'm not used to the compliments, I guess. Growing up with mostly boys as friends, I was just Haley, almost like one of the guys. No guy has ever really flirted with me, or looked at me the way you do, so when you tell me I'm beautiful, my first instinct is to laugh it off. This is all new for me and I don't know what to do."

Nathan leans back, surprised at her revelation. "But you always seem so sure of yourself. That's one thing I lo—like about you so much."

"Yeah, well, most times I am. Give me an essay on the symbolism in _Atlas Shrugged_ and I'll nail it. Show me a student who needs tutoring and I'm fine. But when it comes to this, to you, I'm a bundle of crazy nerves sometimes," she confesses, ducking her head in an attempt to hide the blush she can feel spreading across her cheeks.

Raising their joined hands, he nudges her chin so she's once again meeting his gaze. His eyes are shining with an honesty that takes her breath away. He leans forward, his stare never leaving hers, and kisses her, his lips pressing insistently against hers. Haley's eyes flutter shut as she opens her mouth to welcome his tongue and he doesn't hesitate. His tongue licks her lips, her teeth, before tangling with hers. The kiss sends shockwaves down her spine, desire curling low in her belly as the kiss deepens even more. He loosens their hands before tangling his in her long hair, strands wrapping around his fingers. Hers grip his shoulders, fingers digging into the taut muscles, and she whimpers when he tickles the roof of her mouth with his tongue.

Nathan pulls away, resting his forehead against hers, his breath tickling her face. She opens her eyes and smiles at his close proximity.

"Well, I like your crazy nerves," he admits, his voice low and husky with desire.

"Yeah, I'm kinda getting that," Haley giggles softly.

*****

_Present…_

"Wh-what did you see?" She asks when Lucas finishes his story. Her cheeks flame bright red at the thought of her best friend seeing their kiss that morning.

"I left when it looked like it would move into R territory," Lucas teases her softly, his voice holding a surprising lack of anger or disappointment.

"Lucas," she hisses, glancing around to make sure no one overheard.

She's still shocked he doesn't seem angry at her. It's almost as if he's… sorry for what happened between her and Nathan. She tells herself she's imagining the concern in his voice because there is no way Lucas could be okay with her dating Nathan. Not that there's any chance of that happening, not after what she said to him in the Tutoring Center. She hurt him too much, too deeply for Nathan to ever forgive her.

"Hales, I can't lie and say I'm not hurt that you've lied to me for so long. After that morning, I hoped you'd tell me the truth. And when you didn't later that night, I was angry and disappointed. But, I can understand why you didn't." At her gasp of surprise he grins. "I know, I know. I've said repeatedly Nathan is a bastard, and maybe he still is, I don't know, but from what I saw that morning, he genuinely cares for you, Hales. I never thought I'd be saying that but there you go."

"It doesn't matter," Haley tells him, her tone bitter and harsh. "After what I said to him, it doesn't matter. He won't forgive me, and there's no reason he should. He… he told me he wanted to take our relationship public, to tell you and everyone else we were together, but I told him no. I didn't want to hurt you, so I ended things with him. I lied and told him I didn't want him, and I knew that when I said that, I destroyed whatever future chance I may have had with him."

Haley can feel the tears building behind her eyes and she blinks furiously, refusing to give in. However, the emotions prove to be too much and the tears begin to roll down her cheeks. She wipes at them, her movements jerky and angry at the vulnerability, and before she can blink, Lucas is beside her, holding her as the tears continue to pour.

"It's okay, Hales," he soothes her as she cries. "I don't know Nathan, but I know you, and I have to believe that for you to feel something for him, there has to be more to him than what I see. For what it's worth, I trust you and, as unbelievable as this sounds given our history, based on what I saw on the docks, Nathan cares for you."

She shakes her head, her voice choked by her sobs. "I don't think so, Luke. It's too much to forgive. I hurt him, I know I did."

"You've got to talk to him, Haley."

At his words, she pulls back, sniffling as her crying subsides. "I-I can't. I can't face him, Luke."

"You can and you need to, Haley James."

"But what if he hates me? He looked so hurt when I told him it was over, and I saw the Nathan Scott walls come back up. I don't know if I can break through them again."

"You'll never know until you try," Lucas tells her, his voice so confident Haley feels a small stirring of belief.

"But if—"

"Hales, you have to. I can't believe I'm telling you to go after Nathan, but you have to. You've been miserable this week, Haley, and if Nathan puts a smile on your face like he did that morning on the dock, it's worth the risk. Oh god, I can't believe I'm telling _you_ to go after _Nathan_." He grimaces but Haley can see the teasing behind it. "For the record, I'm still not his biggest fan."

She feels her heart swell with love for her best friend. Even though she's lied to him, she's hurt and disappointed him, he still loves her and wants the best for her, even if that means Nathan. She hates herself for lying to him, but maybe everything will be okay between them. Maybe she hasn't lost Lucas after all. Haley throws her arms around Lucas's neck, squeezing him tightly.

"I love you, Rocket Roe," she whispers.

He laughs and returns the hug. "And I love you, Bunny Brigard. Now go get your man. Oh god, did I really just say that?"

Haley laughs, finally free from the worry that has plagued her for weeks. "You did, but I promise I won't hold it against you."

She packs up her books, suddenly eager to find Nathan and tell him the truth: that she wants him, she has always wanted him, and whatever she's been searching for, she's found.

It's him. It's always been him.

_To be continued…._


	7. Chapter 7

This is the last chapter of _The Search for Something More_. I'm sorry for the delay, and I hope you all enjoy the last chapter. Although it's taken me forever and a day to complete this story, I've greatly enjoyed writing it. I appreciate all the lovely feedback people have submitted. Thank you to all the reviewers.

* * *

_Present…_

It's been a week, one goddamn long week, since he's talked to Haley. He has seen her in the halls but only briefly, before she practically sprints in the opposite direction to get away from him. If their fight in the Tutoring Center didn't make her feelings, or lack of feelings for him, perfectly clear, then her impression of a track star certainly has. Nathan Scott might not be the smartest guy at Tree Hill High but he certainly knows when someone doesn't want him.

That doesn't soothe the ache in his chest, but it's an ache he's used to by this point. Since their argument in the Tutoring Center it has been a constant reminder of how utterly fucked everything is. He's used to screwing up, a fact his dad never lets him forget, and if he's honest with himself, he's not surprised he ruined his relationship with Haley. He was the one who wanted to hide the relationship from the beginning, he was the one who shrugged it off as "having fun," he was the one who hurt her repeatedly.

That knowledge, that he is the reason for the most important relationship in his life turning to shit, doesn't ease the pain. Nothing does, and even the realization that when push came to shove, he fought for them doesn't lessen the sting. It doesn't matter, not when Haley clearly doesn't feel the same.

Even his confession to Tim earlier doesn't make a difference. Although he is relieved to have finally spoken out loud the feelings that had been coursing through him for weeks, he knows it is too little, too late. He's not sure if she even heard his declaration. He wants to believe that she didn't, because if she did and still walked away, it would crush whatever small sliver of hope still resides in him. It's a hope he can't give voice to, but it remains like a tiny flame flickering in the dark.

So now he's alone in the gym, basketball practice long over. The thud of the basketball against the gym floor breaks the silence pressing on Nathan, but it's not enough to drown out the voices in his head.

The echo of his father's words that he'll never be good enough, that he's not strong enough, he's weak…

Peyton's voice yelling that he's an uncaring bastard whose only concern is for himself…

Lucas's angry declarations that Nathan is just like Dan, only good for using or hurting people…

Haley's whisper that she doesn't want him…

He shakes his head, almost welcoming the pain brought on by the memories. The pain is nothing new, he lives with it every day, but for the first time in a week, he's almost grateful for it because it distracts him from the ache of missing Haley, of not seeing her smile as they sit on the docks in the crisp morning air, of not feeling her lips pressed against his. The pain is also tinged with anger: anger at Haley for giving up on them, not fighting for them, for making Nathan feel again when so long he turned off all emotions in order to survive, but mostly anger at himself for allowing someone to get close. He had been numb for so long, carefully crafting an image he hid behind for years and it had been successful. He was the big man on campus, girls fell at his feet and guys wanted to be him. Then along came a tiny slip of a girl, with big brown eyes he could drown in, and his façade shattered. Haley James made him want to become someone different, someone worthy of her, and within the span of six weeks, he has found her burrowed so deeply inside him he doesn't think he'll ever be free. Not that he wants to, if he's honest with himself.

But if he's honest with himself, he's not sure if it's worth all this pain and anger. He can feel himself reverting back to the old Nathan Scott: the asshole who cares for no one but himself. It scares him how easily he can slip behind the old, carefully crafted image, and he wonders if he has truly changed. Maybe that is the real façade, that he could actually be someone worthy of Haley. For six weeks, he had hope for a future he had never imagined possible but it all shattered with her words in the Tutoring Center and now, now he feels helpless as the world spins madly on and he's trapped in a never-ending cycle of regret and love and sadness and pain. Is it worth fighting for Haley, for proving to her that he, _they_ can be something good?

It doesn't matter, he tells himself as he methodically shoots baskets, one after another. She doesn't want him; it was all a game to her, so why fight? Why not be who he was, instead of who she made him want to be? It's easier to let it all go, to chalk up the last six weeks as a mistake.

The pain in his chest tightens sharply at the last thought. Loving Haley could never be a mistake, could it? He's not sure anymore, and that thought terrifies him more than anything else.

The slamming of the gym door breaks him from his thoughts. He glances up to see Haley standing at the edge of the court, her expression unreadable.

Shit.

* * *

After her conversation with Lucas, Haley spends the rest of the lunch period searching the school for Nathan. The bell rings, interrupting her mission to find Nathan and to explain why she's scared and why she lied in the Tutoring Center. She sits through her last two classes, mind drifting far from the lectures to thoughts of Nathan. Of the smile he shares only with her, of the way he opens up to her, showing the real Nathan Scott behind the mask he wears with the world, of how she feels when she's with him. For her entire life, Haley has been the smart one, the responsible one, the dependable one, but always feeling that something indefinable was missing. That there was always something more to be found. With Nathan, she feels as if she's flying: wild and free, experiencing new heights she never dreamed possible, but also scared and unsure. It's a heady feeling, an exciting contradiction, but for the first time, she feels whole. For the last week, she's being going through the motions, feeling scared and unsure and just plain miserable.

She's tired of that; she wants to be whole again.

When the final bell dismisses them, she rushes to her locker, intent on finding Nathan and finally, _finally_ making things right. It will be an uphill battle, she's not foolish enough to believe differently, but her mom always told her the best things are worth fighting for.

Haley has never been more sure of anything in her life but this: Nathan will always be worth fighting for.

Waiting for her at her locker is Lucas, and before she can say a word, he is rambling about basketball practice being cancelled and how Peyton ignored him in History but Brooke seemed to be giving him the eye in Biology and Haley can't take anymore. She is on a mission and right now, that doesn't include listening to the woes of her best friend's love life.

"Listen Luke, I gotta go," she says as she grabs her last book and shoves it into her messenger bag. "I still haven't found Nathan yet and—"

A scowl crosses Lucas's face for a brief moment but not before Haley catches it. She sighs. "Luke, I thought—"

"I know, Hales," he interrupts. "I told you at lunch I was okay with this, and I am. Or will be," he clarifies when she rolls her eyes. "It's just…. It's hard to completely forget a lifetime of hate in the span of three hours."

"I'm not asking you to forget, Lucas. I'm just asking you to not put me in the middle. It's going to be hard enough to get Nathan to listen to me, much less forgive me after I hurt him, but I can't do that knowing it's hurting you."

He shakes his head, throwing his arm around her shoulders. "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

Haley is skeptical but right now, she has more urgent things on her mind: finding Nathan and telling him that everything she has been searching for was always in front of her.

With a hasty goodbye Haley hurries down the hall, praying that she's not too late. She searches the halls, and when she can't find him, she practically sprints to the parking lot, hoping he hasn't already left. Spying his car still in the lot, she heads back to the school, knowing he can only be in one place.

She races to the gym, stopping suddenly when she gets to the door. She can see him through the small glass window, his gaze focused on the goal. She watches him for a moment as he shoots the basketball, admiring the strength and grace in his lean body. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. It's now or never.

She opens the heavy gym door and steps in the gym, jumping slightly when the door slams behind her, and meets his gaze, his expression unreadable.

Shit.

* * *

"Hi."

During the past week, every time he imagined his first conversation with Haley after their fight, he never pictured opening with a lame "hi." A question about why she lied, a biting retort about her selfishness, anything but "hi."

But like always, nothing with Haley James ever goes as expected.

"Hi," she replies, biting her lower lip in her typical nervous gesture. Next will come fiddling with her pinky ring, and then running her hands through her hair. Having spent the last six weeks studying memorizing her every move, he can read her like an open book.

The silence stretches between them, neither sure where to start. The hurt is almost palpable, the harsh words last exchanged in the Tutoring Center practically echoing in the quiet stillness of the gym.

Nathan manages a soft smile when he notices Haley playing with the ring on her pinky. Two down, he absently thinks to himself.

After long minutes of silence, he clears his throat. He's not sure what she wants, he's too afraid to hope her appearance in the gym means anything, but he figures it's better to jump right in.

"What do you want, Haley?"

She flinches at harsh tone, and for a moment he wants to apologize, to take her in his arms and kiss away the hurt in her eyes. Then he remembers her last words to him and he steels himself against the pain. He can't allow himself to fall back into… whatever it is they had. She made her choice, and it wasn't him.

"I want… I want to apologize—"

"Apologize, Haley? For what? For breaking my heart? For not fighting for us? For running like a scared little girl the moment I want this to be real? Huh? Is that what you're apologizing for?" His words are like ice, clipped and short. He wants to hurt her as much as she has hurt him. "Because you don't have to. I'm over it."

The look on her face says it all: mission accomplished.

He has never hated himself more.

Haley shakes her head, unable to speak for a moment in the face of his anger. He clenches his hand around the basketball, willing himself to calm down. He curses himself for hurting her, for allowing the old Nathan to take control. His heart breaks once more when a tear slides down her cheek, Haley hastily brushing it away.

"Haley, I—"

"No, Nathan, it's okay. I know you don't want to hear this from me, but I need to say it. Can you give me five minutes?"

Her expression is hopeful, urgent, and Nathan can't deny her. He never could, even though it took him awhile to figure that out. He thinks that if it hadn't, if he had been more willing to fight for her earlier in their relationship then maybe it wouldn't be such a disaster now. The "what ifs" have haunted him since their fight, but he can't allow himself to go there. Not anymore. He'll listen to her apology, he'll nod his head and then send her on her way.

It's the only way he'll survive.

He nods his head and turns to walk to the bleachers. Haley follows behind him, silence once again surrounding the two. They settle into the first row, the physical space between them echoing the emotional distance. Nathan waits, his elbows on his knees and his gaze concentrated on the gym floor. He prepares himself for Haley's apology, for the pretty words that will crush him yet again.

When the silence becomes too much, he opens his mouth to speak when her soft voice interrupts him.

"This is hard for me to say, Nathan, and to be honest, I don't know where to start," she explains.

"Why did you lie to me? I know you, Haley, whether you believe it or not, and I know that what you said in the Tutoring Center was a lie. I just don't understand why," he says, his voice breaking at the end.

"I don't kno—"

"That's bullshit," he exclaims, his loud voice echoing in the gym "That's bullshit and you know it, Haley. Just tell me _why._"

"Because I'm scared!" Her shout rings out throughout the open space. "Because I'm terrified of the way you make me feel."

His head shoots up, surprised at her declaration. In all his "what ifs" imagings, Haley being scared of her feelings for him was never a possibility. He feels a small flicker of hope brought to life once again. "Hal—"

She holds up a hand to stop him. "Please, I need to get this out. Nathan, when you confronted me in the Tutoring Center, all I wanted to do was tell you the truth about how I was feeling, but I was scared and so tired of lying. Lying to Lucas, to my parents, to you and, most importantly, to myself. I've never felt anything like this before, and it scared me. Plus the situation with you and Lucas and Dan and everything was so jumbled and mixed up."

She stops for a moment, taking a deep breath before continuing. "For my entire life, I've been seen as Luke's best friend, the nerdy tutor. And that was fine with me. Something was missing, but until you entered my life, I never knew what it was. You made, make me feel… whole. Like when I'm with you, everything is how it should be. And that terrified me, Nathan. Because you were Nathan Scott, big man on campus and Lucas's sworn enemy, and here I was, having way more than warm and fuzzy feelings for someone I was supposed to hate. So I ran. When you confronted me, when you fought for me, I ran because I didn't know how to handle it."

Haley smiles at him, a tiny, wavering smile, and that small flame of hope begins to melt the ice around his heart. "Hales, I—"

"Nathan, I love you. It scares me, but there it is. I know it's probably too late, that I've hurt you too much, but I had to tell you." She reaches for his hand and brings it to her lips, pressing a gentle kiss to his knuckles. "I don't expect you to forgive me, but I want you to know how sorry I am that I hurt you. I never meant to, and if I could take it back I would. I'm so sorry, Nath—"

At her words, hope flares into a raging inferno, burning away the rest of his anger and confusion. He leans forward and kisses her, swallowing the rest of her apology. They kiss for long moments, his battered heart healing with her every sweet murmur of appreciation.

"Nath—"

"Shh, Hales," he whispers against her lips. "I just need to kiss you right now."

Haley finally pulls back, breathless, and Nathan smirks at the sight of her kiss-swollen lips. "That was…"

"Yeah," he agrees, his smirk turning into a full-fledged grin. "I've missed you, Hales. This past week has been hell."

She nods in agreement. "I'm so sorry, Nathan. I've been feeling this way for a long time, but the situation with Lucas just made it so much more complicated than it needed to be. And I know that was my fault—"

"But I didn't help matters," he interrupts. "We both screwed up, Hales. I wanted to hide for too long and when I was ready for that to change, I didn't stop to consider that you might need more time. I know Lucas and I have our differences, but I promise I won't make you choose between us. I shouldn't have forced that on you in the first place. I-I love you."

"You're right, Nathan, you shouldn't have, but I also shouldn't have let it get to that point, where it felt like there had to be a choice between the two of you. Lucas is my best friend, I love him, but I'm in love with you." Her voice is light and her words ring of the only truth she knows. "I want to be with you, Nathan."

He grins again, a silly, carefree smile that makes him look like a little boy. He's never felt so free before, so happy. "You sure about that, Hales? You're not going to tear out of here on me, are you?"

She hits him in the stomach, a mock glare on her face.

"Too soon?"

She nods. "Just a bit. At least I didn't declare my love in front of practically the entire school."

"Hey, I thought it was romantic!" His protest is cut off by her giggle.

"Oh, it was, but also kinda mortifying, especially since no one knew we were even involved. I thought Lisa Martin's head was going to explode, she was so mad."

He laughs, relieved they can joke about everything. He knows they still need to talk, to soothe lingering hurts, but for the first time in his life he knows true happiness, all because of the girl beside him.

_Fin_.


End file.
